Fine tuning my inner Me

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

When does standing become doormat?

Standing never becomes doormat.

Be careful with your words, your brain is listening. You put standing and doormat together, as if one leads to the other.

Yes, like Barb wisely stated, other folks will press you, asking why you are waiting around when he has done blah blah blah. They have never been in these shoes, and do not, and have not taking the time to, understand the reasons to stand.

Realize you are not waiting around. Being still is much different than waiting.

Also waiting is not the defining characteristic of doormat. Laying there while someone wipes their boots upon you is a doormat. Allowing disrespect.

If I were to poll 100 people about my situation, I’m willing to bet that over 90% would think I’m a doormat.

Yep, if polling the general population for sure. That doesn’t mean the majority is right.

I’ve been there, even polled people to gauge and try to get a handle on what I was doing. That was “trying to get a handle”. Trying, of course didn’t work.

Standing for you - does get a handle on things.

These same people, now, do not see me that way. I am not a doormat.

Imagine next year, people will not see you like a doormat. They will see you as I do, right now - a beacon.

People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. And we see other’s treatment or thoughts of us as we project our own internal self outward. If you believe you are a doormat then you will see people interactions with you through that lens and think everyone thinks you are a doormat, because you do.

The same is for victim, stander, pillar of strength, beacon, and so on. Our thinking and beliefs creates our reality and our perceptions of it. Choice. Be a person who lives in the light and grace. You will become that, and be seen like that.

...H stated his 4 choices so clearly, does that make me a “waiter” (i.e. doormat), or am I still a stander?

You’ve let H get into you head. A normal and expected step in the process, from my view anyhow.

Questioning and challenging ideas and advice is normal and healthy. Every single LBS, even the vets, rebelled against the process somewhere along their path. You have to challenge, it is key to understanding.

We push to see just how strong our values are, how strong the advice is. To ensure it won’t break. Exploring the strengths and weaknesses.

You are currently challenging your belief on standing. You views on H, your understanding of MLC, your belief in you.

This effort, this push, brings about an understanding and compassion. And an empathetic viewpoint. It’s setting yourself up to start letting go - of H, of M, of fear. I want to be super clear here. Letting go is not throwing away. Letting go of your marriage is not throwing it away. You will understand - honest.

So much stirs up during this time, and so much settles. Understanding and compassion are very much worth all this effort.

Standing allows me the compassion for H, without having to go back. Standing tells me to turn to God, and forget about H’s actions. I do, then I find myself trying to take control back. It’s futile, as I really have no control over H. Then the anxiety sets in. Got to have better self-control in this area.

Be easy on yourself.

You are a pretty levelheaded gal with ample self-control. And you are seeing the next leg in the journey. You are doing just fine.

I’m not a doormat. I know it.

Yes!

Now, believe it.

Continue to stand. And stand for you and your beliefs. You have an amazing strength inside you. It will flourish as you continue to move forward.

DnJ