Here’s another thing I’ve been contemplating: When does standing become doormat?
If anyone wants to weigh in on that, I’m interested in your thoughts.
Journaling…..
If I were to poll 100 people about my situation, I’m willing to bet that over 90% would think I’m a doormat. I think I was a doormat when H was in the home, and I was practically begging to work things out. But now? Since he has left, I’ve evolved. My true inner self has emerged from its cocoon. I’m still evolving. Does waiting while H makes his big decision make me a doormat? Am I really creeping back to my old self where I just want to have things the way they were, as messed up as it was?
Perhaps the word “wait” is the key. I’ve done a lot in the last 10 months. H even commented how I’ve changed. So, I’m not really waiting, am I? Maybe that’s the key difference in standing vs. doormat. But after H stated his 4 choices so clearly, does that make me a “waiter” (i.e. doormat), or am I still a stander? Does the difference really matter? Maybe if I really understood the difference, it would matter.
I don’t want things the way they were. They can’t be. My head is not buried in the sand any longer. Too much water under the bridge. We can’t go back.
So I guess that leaves me with what do I do with my time going forward.
Waiting means stalled. No going forward there.
Standing allows me the compassion for H, without having to go back. Standing tells me to turn to God, and forget about H’s actions. I do, then I find myself trying to take control back. It’s futile, as I really have no control over H. Then the anxiety sets in. Got to have better self-control in this area.
Standing allows me the time to continue my inner evolution. To perfect ME. To continue to develop a closer relationship with God, friends, my family. This will keep me moving forward.
I’m not a doormat. I know it. It really doesn’t matter if H knows it or not.
Perhaps that is my trouble.
I still wonder what H thinks. I probably even care what he thinks.
