I guess that’s my mistake. I’ve left her alone this entire time and am just getting irritated it’s not moving along quicker. I haven’t been away from my wife for longer than a week and I’ve been away from her now 4 months.
I miss her and I’m ready to work on our relationship again. I know detachment detachment. I’m really trying but it’s been very hard because I know myself and I know that if I detach with love, I’ll be done and ready to move forward with another person. I want my marriage and I want to be able to tell my son when he’s older that I did everything I could to save his family.
I’m just at the anger stage of grief, I guess. I am a man of action and I want this to keep moving towards reconciliation. But she just doesn’t seem ready. She has been saying that she doesn’t know what she wants, which is an improvement from a divorce and that’s all she wanted a month ago.
She goes back and forth on saying she doesn’t know if she will ever forgive me. She doesn’t know if she still loves me and doesn’t know if she even wants to stay in the marriage. She doesn’t know what she needs from me to feel this way again. She says consistency in actions, but changes her mind there too.
She is just all over the place. I have no idea what that means or if that’s even normal. Why does she go from hot to cold so quickly too?!!
This is all just very frustrating!
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
So in MC, our therapist told me to stop sending negative texts about what this counseling is for. She also wants me to be more consistent with everything. I feel I already am, but not to her.
So since she is really sensitive to the negative texts, I decided to send her one sweet text in the morning and evening. I spoke to her about it on webchat and she told me it was a lot, but that she was processing it and thinking about it. I asked her if she wanted me to keep doing it or stop and she said no that it was nice and I could keep doing it if I wanted too. She told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond, though. I told her I wouldn’t.
I hope this is the right thing to do.
Well you're bouncing from one extreme to another and your W is probably really confused by it. This is the problem with people in the throes of having been BD'd- they try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to "put things back to normal" when what they should be doing is NOTHING. They'll try to "nice" the WAS back, then "mean" them back if that doesn't work, then "nice" them back again when mean doesn't work, and everything inbetween. As Cadet is fond of saying, doing nothing is doing something. Doing nothing is actually very powerful after BD. The problem for the LBS is doing nothing feels like nothing, and it scares them because they think they need to take action.
I don't know what you mean by "sweet" texts but I am in 100% agreement with your C that all negative talking/ texting MUST stop. That is the biggest 180 any LBS can make. But it's got to be a consistent 180 over a long period of time before the WAS will believe it's real. Polite is fine, but be careful not to get too lovey in texts as that is relationship pressure. Your goal is to remove all pressure.
