I woke up this morning feeling worse than I have in some time, at least since the S. I guess these feelings are just cyclical but I'm having a really hard time putting one foot in front of the other right now.
Everything I see, if I'm watching a show with a married couple, it immediately reminds me of what I've lost. If I'm listening to a love song, same deal. I don't know how to escape it.
We were only married for two years. When I look at texts that I've backed up, six months ago, you'd never guess anything was wrong. I don't know how things got so bad, so quick. She doesn't either, or at least she hasn't given any reason.
I know I need to go find something to do, see friends, go work out, something. And I will, but now I'm just glued to the couch, running through endless memories in my head.
Obviously I need to work on detachment, and I need to work on internalizing an abundance mentality. In time, I know that I'll be fine regardless what happens, but it's so hard to focus on that when in the short-term, all I can think about is how unhappy I am, how guilty I feel for not doing more, and how lonely I am without my life partner. I was about to type the word "helpless" but I stopped myself because I'm not helpless; I am the ultimate agent in my own happiness. I'm only helpless relative to things I cannot control, and my current unhappiness is because I'm feeling helpless in trying to control them.
This feels like a rollercoaster. I'm emotionally at the bottom of the hill right now.
