This has been a weird week for me. As I mentioned in a few posts before, I've been feeling OK (and having lots of success with GAL and working on the things I'd bring to the table in a reconciliation) but this week it feels tougher than it was and like I'm headed in the wrong direction emotionally. WAW and I met up earlier in the week for MC, and then again today to work on setting a budget and getting our finances in order through the S. This was prompted and set up by me. Partly because I'm traveling to Europe next week and partly to 180 as one of WAW's chief complaints from our MR was my reticence to involve her in our finances and take her wishes to save more money seriously. In the grand scheme of things it's small, but I do want her to recognize a consistent change here and also be reminded that when we're working on things as a team, we have fun together and we make for a formidable duo.
Like previous interactions with her, it was again very cordial and friendly, falling back to our usual rapport and enjoying each other's company. I do sometimes wonder if I'm projecting that, but I can certainly still make her laugh and she is generally very engaging and open with the conversation. The downside of course is that I greatly enjoy the time with her, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't still very physically attracted to her. So, I guess when they net out these interactions - as important as they might be logistically - are probably making me feel worse about my situation. I recognize that. The goodbyes are particularly awkward as we head our separate ways.
When I'm feeling confident and optimistic, I'm able to remind myself that there's a lot of reciprocity to the feelings: she said recently in MC that she's never been more physically attracted to me and she that's confused and hurting and masking it by overworking herself. When I'm feeling pessimistic, I have a very hard time seeing how we go from barely talking to working on things, and worse, that I'll never find someone that I'll love the way I loved her. I also have an incredibly hard time with the guilt of the things I'd have done differently and the ways I failed the MR.
I came across a thread on the forum that talked about not misinterpreting kindness or small gestures from a WAS as something more, and that is what really prompted the flood of negative thoughts and feelings. Not that the thread was unwelcome - it was super eye-opening - but it really made me confront just how much the situation I'm in hurts and how far away from each other we really are. I'm still operating out of such a place of fear: being afraid that NC will drive us further apart and that there's no way back at all.
All I can do is keep writing here, keep reading other threads, keep GALing, and keep working on myself. Just repeat that over and over like a mantra. It's OK to be hurt and confused. Feel those feelings and process them; don't run from them. No shortcuts. Do the work.
