OM Backed Out

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

No worries in your response time buddy. Sounds like you were busy, in some very good ways. Grandkid, working, enjoying nature, and thinking. Lots of thinking - I like that. Thinking is your control and leads to everything.

I know I can't control a lot, but people just throw relationships away these days and treat it like it's no big deal if they split. I know that I shouldn't even have those thoughts, but I do.

Tad, you should totally have those thoughts. I am glad to see them. That is accurate, some people do treat relationships with less importance.

Trying to not have your thoughts is fighting directly against your fears. You have to come at this sideways. Outmaneuver your fear. Be smarter than it. And that, I’m pretty confident you can accomplish.

On a related side note. You tried to not have those thoughts. Trying predisposed us to fail. Do something, instead of try. That is why sideways, not the direct attack, works.

I think the biggest problem I have is fear. Fear of being in a relationship, fear of losing again. I fear not being able to see my grandson.

This is really good stuff. Let’s explore your fear. (I’ve hop in your intellectual car, you’re driving. Buckle up.)

Fearing a relationship: Being with someone? Caring for someone? Having someone care about you? Be dependent on you? You be dependant on them? Making concessions and compromises? Living up to a standard you don’t know you can reach? Losing - what?

Fearing losing again: Again? Losing? The person? The relationship? The companionship? The solitude? Yourself? Your comfort zone?

Fear of not seeing grandson: How? Is it their relationship breaking up? Is it XW, Grandma, getting more involved?

Feel like I am "borrowing trouble" with the way I think sometimes.

You are doing so well! Seeing so much. Yes, it “feels” like borrowing trouble. Exactly - feels. Thoughts lead to feelings, which feed those fears.

I love your sentence, that the biggest problem you have is fear. You see it as a problem, which is good - problems can be solved. And you are acknowledging the fear.

Now, do explore those questions and the many others that will undoubtedly pop up. Follow your logical thoughts and reason; got to be in that car. What possible future events are driving this?

Loss is a theme here.

All fears come from something which we feel would hurt us - directly. Follow until you find that hurt. Fear of not seeing you grandson has deeper roots, for example.

Here’s an example from me. As I’ve said, fear is not vanquished, or defeated. It remains within, withered, like a seed. If fed again it will grow. With that in mind I’ll dig around in my bag of seeds and tell you about one.

I fear you (others) not liking what I am saying. I fear the rejection. Now stopping here doesn’t cut it, right? Rejection hurts but why?

Words of affirmation is one of, maybe my primary, love language. The opposite hurts, a lot. It also make me feel like a fraud. Attacks my beliefs, my convictions, my values. Attacks my confidence. When W (at the time) stood there in our living room and told me she is indifferent to me. Not hate - indifferent. Hate is born from the same passion as love. Hate, I could’ve use that. Hate would have been better. Indifference was crushing. Total rejection of me.

There is a root. Me irrationally worrying that someone might reject me; and me taking it far too personally.

I’ve thought that through, a lot. It’s withered and not a bother anymore. How? I can’t control anyone else. If they are going to see me as a fraud, or reject my ideas or ideals, my words, my experience, my hard fought and painfully gained wisdom - I cannot change that. Worrying to the point of paralysis is not helpful - that is fear. Accept that you have no control over what event your fear is based on. See it. Come at it sideways. Can’t fight rejection head on.

I accept that everyone has a right to their ideas and path (that absolutely includes XW). And realizing I’m not that important; not agreeing to something I say is just that - not agreeing - it’s not rejection of me. And I could very well be in the wrong, and I accept that too, and have opened myself up a whole lot more.

So, not a big deal now - but after BD with emotions and fears and anxiety - yikes!

I'm also tired. Tired of not being important. Maybe XW spoiled me. For 25 years, our sons and I were number one with her. People depended on me and needed me. Now, not so much. Maybe this is an "old person thing?" I'm only 51, but feel much older. As I've stated before, I feel like "second choice" a lot.

I know this feeling. More accurately, I remember this feeling.

For almost 30+ years - me, and as the four kids came along, we were number one with XW. We are not even number two now. To be totally clear-viewed about this. I don’t feel like second choice from XW, I feel like I’m no choice from XW. The kids, I am becoming less and less of their provider, they are much less dependent on me - exactly what a parent should hope to happen. So yes I am second choice, to funner times, to their significant other, to jobs, to school, to friends, etc. That is great! That view took a bit to find.

I’m 51 as well, and I don’t feel old - now. I figured out a lot of stuff. You can too.

That’s more than enough about me.

I really hope you share your thoughts about those questions and your discovers. What answers, further questions, and further answers you find while digging. I really do want to walk with you through this fire and see you emerge on the other side.

And share whatever ramble you want. It makes more sense than you realize.

DnJ