There's a lot of heavy stuff going on that has me raging and ready to just tear my heart out and throw it in the road. Drink myself into a stupor with extreme vexation. I won't. Instead, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to put it all on a shelf until I can properly and calmly take it out, examine it, process it, and put it to bed.
I'm going to focus on my successes and what is bringing me joy. Examine what is on my mind aside from the angering stuff. I just really need to write A LOT right now. It may be disjointed. It's better than taking a sledgehammer to the drywall. (Yep, Yail found her rage stage of grief. Let's hope it's a short one).
I had a great conversation with a coworker yesterday about our lives, how we connect with students, how we approach our work. She is also recently out of a long-term relationship and I think hurting, though she is more private than I am. And only after our fulfilling and wonderful conversation did I realize, "OH!! THIS is how adults make friends!". So I'm on my way to becoming friends with this wonderfully intelligent and insightful colleague. Yes. Score a point for me! It was happening so naturally I almost didn't notice it. I hope to continue to chat with her, and maybe we'll grab a tea sometime to solidify the "we're friends outside of work too" vibe. She's very social, so I'm sure I'd meet some really rad other people through her.
I posted one of those anonymous "I saw you around town" submissions to the local online newspaper. You know, the ones that are often near the dating section? So in it I very vaguely put out into the universe my secret crush on my (different) coworker. Just to get it off my chest. No one would know it was me, no one would know it is her. It's 100% deniable. But it felt like a wonderful secret to post the fact that I've been checking her out. She is my favorite distraction in all of this. I've been having a hard time concentrating due to my mind wandering to her.
I'm realizing that in some ways I don't have anyone I can go to. My parents and friends have all proved a tad unreliable - though in different ways. And you know what? That's okay. I'm learning that I can only rely on myself for 100% of my needs, and that maybe different friends and different relationships need to feed us in a variety of ways. No one person can be everything. I thought W was, and maybe that was wrong. This is an interesting process to go through, but I think ultimately it's healthy for me to examine this.
I'm really into examining my fashion and aesthetic lately. I'm embracing my queer femme side. Dressing mildly sexier and feeling good about it. There's a big Pride event in a couple months, and I am really hoping to fully participate and to dress the part. I've got it all planned out: A black tank top that I'm going to embroider with "Femme as F**k". Grey slashed/ripped jeans. Cute boots. My killer lipstick.
I am more confident than I have ever been. I used to be shy, also kind of awkward, especially around other gay folks or cute women. Nope, not anymore. I don't break eye contact. I feel I've become rather intense. But I just don't have fear anymore.
I've never really been prideful. I've just been ambivalent about being gay. But it's hitting me in a different way these days, and I feel a strong need to really examine myself and what my sexuality is telling me. I'm realizing I need to be with someone who is deep-down proud of being gay. She doesn't need to be covered in rainbows (actually....I'm very much hoping not. I'm a fan of something more subtle..) but she does need to have a general comfort with the fact that she likes women. I'm seeing just how much shame exists in our community, and in this moment I don't have the capacity to help someone else along in their journey. A friend, sure thing. But not a lover. Most of us have had a hard road. But someone who is sure of who she is and what she wants - that's what I'm looking for.
In the creative world I am knitting the most amazing sweater for winter. It has gorgeous cables that wrap around the body and the pattern is one of the most fun and interesting patterns I've ever worked with. "Swivel Pullover" from Interweave if you want a photo.
Lastly: I'm daydreaming about my future house/home. Whenever that is. I'm hoping next year, but I can honestly say I have no idea. But I want a bit of land. A fire pit so friends can gather around and drink a few too many beers and talk into the night. An extra bed for a friend who needs a little help. A minimalist but full pantry. New art on the walls that I either discover, make, or design. A place I can unapologetically hang up my lingerie because it will be MY house. Room in my home and heart for animals. Gardens for herbs, veggies, and flowers. Everything will have a purpose or it will not exist in my house. I don't want a disposable life. I want authenticity everywhere I look. And if another woman ever comes into sharing my life I hope she has the same values.
