H and I have been exchanging e-mails for about 1 week now. Way too many and too much said to go into it all. We shared some very real, raw emotions. H is still in turmoil. Obviously very damaged, and it’s clear to me he doesn’t know how to lift himself out of the pit. He states he is “making a decision” about getting out of his current apartment by Sept 1. So, change is coming.
This is an excerpt from one of his e-mails
“You know, I read this and it's like I don't recognize this coming from you. like a different voice. Different attitude. different ideas. Obviously you have grown during these last 10 or so months. You've changed. I've changed. it's been a changing time for both of us.”
and
“so I think I have to do something. Even if you say you're not feeling dangled. You DO seem fine. Your words. your mood. your FB posts indicates somehow who seems relatively at peace with her life, with or without me in the house. maybe its your church and how you've thrown yourself into it? But you do seem mentally good. Better than me anyway.
But it's 1 August tomorrow. life is short. I have to come to a decision even when I know that I will not be anywhere near 100% certain that the decision is the right one”
I sent a response to him about that change he sees in me, having to do with my relationships with God, family and friends. I also told him I had no idea what decisions he was weighing, and whether exploring R with me is even on that list, but that I was in no way expecting a response from him on that. This is his last e-mail to me:
“yes, of course i have considered all the options. 1) move home and work it out, 2) get a place with her, 3) get my own place with neither, 4) end it all”
#4 scares me. Makes me worried for him. But, if I had to guess today, I would put money on him choosing option #2. That’s the only sure way to have at least one person in his life without having to face his demons, as messed up as the R probably is. I’m not even sure I’d agree to #1 at this point.
I also know there has been sporadic contact from a realtor and OW. Backtracking, moving forward. I have no idea. OW’s home is now off the market. (Yes, I’ve been snooping. But it doesn’t give me anxiety like it did months ago. I’m trying to stay informed so I’m not blindsided. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.)
Anyway. It’s completely out of my hands. I hope H has the guts to tell me face to face his “decision”. But I’m not counting on it. I don’t think he can face me.
Next week he is supposed to go to dinner with the family. S22 asked him and he originally agreed a few weeks back. We’ll see.
In any event, the end of the month will bring clarity. Answers to some questions.
If he chooses #2, I think it’s time for me to file for D. Actually. I’m going to ask him to.
And I think I’ll be o.k. with that. But that's today. The thought doesn't cause me the anxiety it used to.
Still praying for guidance.
Still praying for H.
Still filling my life with family, friends, and activities. I’ve got 3 weeks before the kids go back to college. I will enjoy every minute. Then a 5 day vacation after that to visit my family. Then the end of the month will be here.
