Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[sandi2]

Originally Posted by sandi2
You see her as coming out of the tunnel? Based on what? Her words?

Yes, based mostly on her words along with her tears (an action). I know...can’t believe what she says. Her facial expressions, tone, and body language were a 180 from how I’ve seen her since WW began. I saw guilt for not being there for her friend and shame for herself for not following the moral code she thought she lived by. Now I probably read too much into that thinking it was about more than just her friend but also about what her choices have done to our MR. I felt she was finally able to see the damage she’s caused and the destruction in her wake.

I think you read way too much into thinking it was about more than just her own feelings tied to what happened to her friend. It had nothing to do with you. And I would not consider these tears as her doing action. She was having a pity party and wanted you to tell her what she wanted to hear, b/c she felt guilty for not being there for her friend.

Originally Posted by sandi2
Think about the lighthouse's job. It shines a beam of light. It doesn't wade out into the stormy waters to pull the sailor to shore. It firmly stands on solid ground and shines light. It's up to the sailor to follow the light to safety.

Point taken. The lighthouse is a fixed object. I thought I could be the lighthouse keeper. He’s mobile and can take his boat out to the sailor and say hey there are dangerous rocks over that way, but if you look this way through the fog you’ll see a beaming light. It’s the path to travel that leads you out of the storm to safe refuge.

Well, it sounds good on paper, except she won't listen to his warnings, especially when it's her LBH. It's part of the complexity of the WW. She would see it as pressure and pursuit.

Yeah, I do want to help her. Waiting for her to figure it out on her own is the hard part. The LBH sees many simple solutions and just wants to shout, hey W why can’t you see, the answer is there, right in front of you!

You don't understand why she can't see the obvious, but you think you can open her eyes? Curtis, your simple solutions involve talking her back. In reality, those type solutions are pursuit. And pursuit doesn't work. It is applying emotional pressure to her. That pressure makes her run. We have told you this from the beginning, but you haven't accepted it. You still want to do what doesn't work.

I can see your POV. I recognize this is what I’m feeling. It’s like a delicate balance walking a tightrope where I want to be open to this newfound motivation and if I deny the advances, then she’ll be scared off and slither away.

What newfound motivation? Are you referring to her wanting to cut the pasture and take the kids to camp? That won't last. She's reacting to emotions.

Look, you have been scared to death you'll lose her since day one. You just find a new color paper to wrap up your excuses for not following DB. Detach, GAL, & 180. DBing is not what scares her off.

I’m am clearly struggling with tough love in this emotional time for her with her friend becoming recently widowed. I can’t bring myself to pile that on her now as well with the stress and pain she is experiencing.

And next week or next month it will be something else. IMHO, this would have been an opportunity for her to see that the H she fired is no longer available to hear her sob over not being there when her BFF needed her. But you can't do it, can you? You would see that action as being cruel. In fact, you see any tough love as cruel. This is why you end up enabling her, and why the cycle continues.

She comes over and leaves our kids in the house while she’s out doing chores or taking her horse for a ride. It’s a great setup for her. She really hasn’t felt what life without me is like and I have to constantly see her when she comes around on a daily basis. That’s why I wanted to finally get rid of the horse to stop the emotional triggers of seeing her and really start moving on with my life.

So why didn't you? This is an example of what I mean by you enabling her and the cycle continuing. Your life becomes more complicated b/c you don't have effective personal boundaries. You are at her mercy, as long as you continue to enable her. She won't do the necessary work, b/c she doesn't have to, when you are there to enable her.