Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

It is amazing to me that those text message could have been written by my X. Exact same type of communication style. Things are better after 10 years, but....

Good to know that I'm not blazing a new path. Too bad that I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life (or at least D3's childhood).

My latest:
X:"I've switched jobs and have the opportunity to add the kids to my health and dental plan at your expense. Your monthly expense would be BLA BLA.. this would be effective sept 1. Do you want me to sign them up under my plan?? I NEED TO KNOW BY TOMORROW MORNING."
ME:(6 hours later..I was packing for this trip):"When you don't share the details it is hard to compare to the current plan...don't sign them up"
...

Yep, this resonates. Wonder how they don't see how s****y they are being.

I guess my point is that communication is always hard, people get confused. Even worse when emotions are involved. Learn as many communication skills right now with W. You drive the change in communication style. You help reduce the confusion. You listen to understand. You take time to think about what the other person said.

Do you have any specific sources (e.g. books, websites) I should look at for this? I get the basics but they feel repetitive, like I'm turning into a robot.

I am not saying you agree to anything. You just let her know that you heard her.

W:"Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla"
H:"If I understand correctly. you feel angry about BLA BLA BLA?
W:"NO.>>Bla bla bla bla bla"
H:"Ah that helps. thanks for clarifying"
W:"Well, what are you going to do???"
H:"I need time to think about what you said. I will let you when I decide"
W:"Bla bla bla answer right now bla bla you never bla bla bla controling bla bla"
H:"I am sorry you feel that way"

This made me laugh out loud - you hit it exactly. I am doing a better (but still have a ways to go) job of not deciding things on the spot, taking time to digest, make deliberate decisions, choose how to respond later etc., but as long as I don't agree with W I'm the a**hole. I wish that my being the bigger person would wear down the wall she has between us but I don't have high hopes and the a**hole in me (he's there, I know it) wants to push her buttons sometimes. Like, you are making me feel bad and don't care (has said so explicitly) so turn about is fair play. I know that it's wrong and I try to keep that part of me in check but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking about it.