Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

I hear you both and it's consistent with the books, other threads, etc., so I know that you are right. It's a struggle for me because it feels so much like a broken record (and it annoys W) when I say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Maybe it's just me holding out for some ridiculous hope that I can get her to see that, bad as the things I did are, as much damage as I caused, I'm not a demon. It feels like, the more I've pulled away, the more she has, too, and I don't see how that ultimately brings us back together.

For example, I emailed her yesterday morning during our usual "activities exchange" (where one of us, usually me, sends an email outlining when we will be busy so we can plan out D3's days) and said that I would be out yesterday evening but that I would stop home first to feed/walk the dog (D3 is w/ ILs so no burden on W with my leaving) and she was upset that I hadn't told her and that she had planned to go through the kitchen cabinets/drawers with me. I told her that I was telling her right then and she could propose a time to go through the kitchen together (she proposed tonight). I have no regrets - I went to tour a house and then ate dinner with my brother and his family while W ate home alone. What gives me heartburn is that I know that this feeds into her negative narrative about me. On the other hand, if I had apologized and/or done the kitchen thing with her would I/we/D3 be in a better position? Would W think better of me? (No)

One other question/thought I have. I understand not pursuing her, even implicitly, but I feel like there may be value in my sharing my perspective at appropriate times. For example, when she's blaming me for her anxiety, not moving forward with the divorce fast enough, etc., it seems like it could be a reasonable time to say that this is her choice just as the cheating was my choice. Sure, I was unhappy and alone, W hadn't been intimate with me in any way in 3-4 months and, even after we were again, I would have to practically beg, but that does not in any way justify my decision to cheat, period. And as far as I'm concerned, the D is the same - it's her choice, it presents great risk to everyone, and my proposition was not to maintain the status quo but to try a different approach (different MC, etc.), trial separation, anything but D and she completely rejected it, no consideration whatsoever. I had a choice and made a bad one, that's on me. She's making a choice and I feel that she should be aware if for no other reason than, in six months (or whenever) she can't say "well, we both wanted this." I mean, I'm having fun, multiple trips pre-planned, taking new classes, getting 50/50 time w/ D3 (and I can spend it as I see fit - no more negotiating) - it would be easy to look at me and say that I'm happy about all of this. I want her to know that this is all her choice.

Finally, and I think that I know the answer to this, but I haven't been intimate with her (or anyone) since at least a week before she announced the D (early May). Part of me looks at her pulling away as quickly as possible (no ring, think she changed her name in her work email signature, not including me in family trip to IL) and says "hey, it's been months, I have needs, I should date someone" and another part says that it would not be a nail in the coffin but a sledgehammer in the stake and I should hold off until Sept...Oct... Nov... whenever the paperwork is signed by the judge. Thoughts?