Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

You see her as coming out of the tunnel? Based on what? Her words?

Yes, based mostly on her words along with her tears (an action). I know...can’t believe what she says. Her facial expressions, tone, and body language were a 180 from how I’ve seen her since WW began. I saw guilt for not being there for her friend and shame for herself for not following the moral code she thought she lived by. Now I probably read too much into that thinking it was about more than just her friend but also about what her choices have done to our MR. I felt she was finally able to see the damage she’s caused and the destruction in her wake.

Think about the lighthouse's job. It shines a beam of light. It doesn't wade out into the stormy waters to pull the sailor to shore. It firmly stands on solid ground and shines light. It's up to the sailor to follow the light to safety.

Point taken. The lighthouse is a fixed object. I thought I could be the lighthouse keeper. He’s mobile and can take his boat out to the sailor and say hey there are dangerous rocks over that way, but if you look this way through the fog you’ll see a beaming light. It’s the path to travel that leads you out of the storm to safe refuge.

I think your idea of "gently guiding her" is you trying to help her, and you are using these analogies. It sounds like the right thing to do to the ears of a LBH, however, it doesn't work like you see it. She has to figure it out on her own. You can't fix her, and I think that's what you are really wanting to do. ((hugs))

Yeah, I do want to help her. Waiting for her to figure it out on her own is the hard part. The LBH sees many simple solutions and just wants to shout, hey W why can’t you see, the answer is there, right in front of you!

Whenever the LBH thinks his W is trying to get closer by more talking, or offering to do help with certain responsibilities or chores.......it seems to be a somewhat dangerous territory. By that, I mean that he lets down his guard b/c he wants to believe she is trying to work through her issues or whatever. Actually, he is scared to death to not let her do whatever it is she has mentioned, b/c he fears it's the one time she may have a breakthrough........realization, start coming out of the fog, or whatever. The lines he has drawn begins to blur, b/c he's spending too much time letting her talk/text him, letting her come around the house, etc. First thing he knows, she has slithered under the door like a snake, and has done none of the necessary work. Guess what? That's what she is doing now............slithering. This is JMHO.

I can see your POV. I recognize this is what I’m feeling. It’s like a delicate balance walking a tightrope where I want to be open to this newfound motivation and if I deny the advances, then she’ll be scared off and slither away. I see that she has an enormous amount of work to do before I can let her in the door. I’m am clearly struggling with tough love in this emotional time for her with her friend becoming recently widowed. I can’t bring myself to pile that on her now as well with the stress and pain she is experiencing.

Other than her one horse, are there any more horses or animals in the barn? See, you should have either had her to do all the chores connected to the upkeep of the horse.......or removed the horse from the property (unless there is a law the forbids it.) However, you were too soft-hearted when it came to her and the horse, so there were no clear cut lines about her having to take care of the responsibilities of the horse. You would say something, but there were no consequences, so if she didn't want to drive out there to take care of it, then she didn't. Now......she is begging you to let her go so far as to cut the pasture. Are there any other animals, or just the one horse?

There are two other horses on our property and in the barn right now. One is a neighbors that we’re taking care of while he is gone for the summer. The other is a boarder that pays monthly. Here is the truth on the arrangement, I feed all of the horses in the morning, then she comes over in the evenings to feed the horses and clean the stalls. The other two horses weren’t there yet when she moved out in early April. That is when I failed to say you fired me as your husband so I’m not going to assist with the chores for your horse. Now, I’ve been doing them for 4 months and it seems like the only way to stop is to give her the ultimatum and initiate the D process.

Here is where it gets worse, she would send me a text in the evening about 3-4 times a month asking if I could feed the horses that night. She would use some excuse like she is meeting some friends from work or visiting divorced BFF or working on a project at her house. Of course, I always said yes. I come to find out that almost every time she was going to see one of her OM on those nights. It sickens me that I enabled her cheating.

The horse (and swimming pool) have been her main reasons for coming to the house, since the separation. You knew this, and I think it's why you were so reluctant to draw hard lines about the horse. You were afraid she would no longer come at all, and you weren't emotionally ready. So now, you are faced with this situation of her wanting to jump in and "help more". It would have been easier if you had had a firm understanding about the horse when she first left. See what I mean?

I do, it muddied the waters on separation from the beginning. She comes over and leaves our kids in the house while she’s out doing chores or taking her horse for a ride. It’s a great setup for her. She really hasn’t felt what life without me is like and I have to constantly see her when she comes around on a daily basis. That’s why I wanted to finally get rid of the horse to stop the emotional triggers of seeing her and really start moving on with my life.

I don't think she's ready to stick to anything on a regular basis, but rather everything will rely on her mood at that moment. If it inconveniences everyone else, that's too bad. She is wishy-washy and that's why you have to be wise and strongly planted in what is right & wrong. Otherwise, she's going to break your heart over & over again. One day she may want you to listen to her talk for hours. She may even suggest that the family go together and do this or that, but then she lets you & the kids down b/c something else distracted her attention.

This ^^^^^ the emotional roller coaster. It breeds false hope. So frustrating waiting, wondering, and hoping the good mood stays consistently. It is a battle of will and perseverance.

Don't let her recent talks mislead you. I think having these long talk/texts play tricks on your heart. It pulls you in, and you become more emotionally attached. How about you limit how much you respond? I mean, you mentally put a time limit on these conversations. After 15 - 20 minutes, you have to go. You stop texting. You are involved in a project, a movie, book, hobby, or something other than using your time to respond to every text message from her. Don't be available all the time. Right now, you cannot think about gently guiding her back, b/c it messes with your head. It's a game you are playing with yourself.

Good idea on limiting the length of the talk/texts interactions. Helps with attraction to be less available and having something else to go do. Also limits the amount of my attachment. It’s not a problem right now because she’s dropped contact again the past 2 days, but I’ll remember this the next time she reaches out to me for emotional support.