Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Rita]

Good morning, Grace. I totally hear you and love your thoughts; I think I was not being clear. Or it might be a Catholic-Protestant thing! : )

The cross is my sorrow at losing my marriage, and the fact that I feel that I can't close the door entirely. I am not carrying my H anymore, or his cross. A priest I love once told me that H is being crucified in sin and I am being crucified in love, and I used to think about standing at that cross with him, in love. Now I don't even want to look at H, whether he is suffering or not. Sometimes I even find it too difficult to pray for him, let alone feel I could do anything to help him.

I think what I meant about carrying the cross is that I don't feel that I can close the door, move on, fall in love with someone else to cover over the wound. And what I am going through with my kids is so painful, just watching them suffer like this, I find that I want to escape from that pain and that I am constantly asking for mercy from that for my kids and thus for me. I think also that if when I am past this divorce proceeding, I will not have as much of a burden. But the onslaught from my H -- financial, emotional, practical -- is constant, and exhausting. I am going to post when I have a moment about how the appraisal went. But in short -- nothing goes peacefully, everything is a huge vicious attack, no matter how much I try to step back and not get pulled in.

I do pray everyday for Christ to carry that burden for me. Sometimes I literally use my hands to pull on the pain in my chest when I am at the altar, to give it to Christ. And it lifts at times, and I feel free. But from what I have seen around these parts, there is no way around that consequence of MLC. It will always hurt, no matter how much joy we are able to fill our lives with in other ways. Look at all the old timers who are still here, still posting and reading these stories. And then there is the loneliness of this un-family life. When you have young kids, it's really awful. Even my MIL won't speak to me or send things to the kids to my house, only to H's apartment, though they live here full time and my son won't see his dad at all. After 24 years of being family and seeing me through cancer and the death of my mom, she told me she never wanted to see me again and would only see my kids if I sent them to her alone. That is a cross, to walk entirely alone now. It's a blessing too, I am so grateful to be here after cancer to be able to see my kids through this, but it is HARD.