I am new to the thread and looking for some advice. I have read several books and currently speaking with a counselor once a week by phone. I do not have the money to seek out help like I need to so I know that I need to rely on help from those that have gone through the same experience I have gone through. My wife and I have been together for 22 years and we have been married for 18 years. Monday will be our 19th anniversary. We even liked it each other in the 4th grade and she still has a love note I had written her during that time period.
Some information about our history and past. She is always been a devoted and loving person. We have two sons 18 and 13. In our 2nd year of marriage nearly 16 years ago I made the mistake of having an affair. Since that time period I have been faithful and I have always felt like it was the worst mistake I have made in my life. I have been faithful for the past 16 years. The past couple of years I have been really busy with my job and she has been focused on moving up in her career as well. We slowly became disconnected and I realized this and I knew I had to do something about it. We both have the summer off and so when June rolled around we got into an argument as she was stressed with doing her school work. She has been taking classes to further her career in her job for the past year. She told me she wanted to be separated. I stayed away from home one night and she stayed away two nights. She didn't want me to leave and she didn't want to leave either. She said she felt really bad when I left so I have been at home since then. Over the past couple of months she has been trying to get me to leave her. She has slowly told me information of infidelity in hopes of trying to get me to leave. At first it was just kissing in a bar and then three weeks later she told me about a one night stand. The information was given as she was telling me she wanted me to leave. She even told me to have respect for myself and move on. All of this occurred in June. Well on July 5th, I caught her with her boss. I road by his house and his truck was parked under the garage and within 10mins I caught him dropping her off at her caught in a hidden place in the woods. All she would confess to is being unprofessional but everything inside of me tells me she was at his house and probably sleeping with him. Her behavior at the beginning of the summer was a heightened sex drive and since July 5th we have been intimate maybe once a week. She has also introduced new behaviors in the bedroom which lead me to believe she has had other sexual encounters. She has really become hardened since I caught her with her boss. I have not approached him and when he dropped her off he did it down the road so I couldn't approach him. She hasn't been very remorseful about it and is only concerned about losing her job. He just moved her up in a position that will allow them to meet during the day to talk. Her boss is married!!!!!! We live in a small community and my wife says she doesn't care about rumors because they are not true. I knew this would be a worse case scenario because her job has become her life and she is really good at it. She works in the public sector so if this gets out it would ruin her career and no she isn't a politician but very close to that stature in what she does. You can probably guess what we both do by now. She could actually lose her job and never do it again if she was to be found having an affair with her boss. She will not let me look at her cell phone and she says she will not quit her job. She has agreed that she needs to move to a different place next year but she will still see this man at times. Since July 5th we have slept in separate beds maybe 4 times but we end up going back to our bed. She doesn't want to talk for long and never about anything heavy. She goes to work, comes home and naps, and then gets on her cell phone. We talk for about 30 mins about our day and that is all. I know that she is communicating with someone because she is typing the whole time. If I get to close or bother her she will go to the bathroom for 20mins. The other day she took an hour long bath and I was able to look through the window to see her using some chat that makes the messages disappear. I questioned her without me knowing and even said when I walked by I could see what the messaging screen looked like. She denied it and said she wasn't talking with anyone. I gave a detailed description of what it looked like because it was easy to recognize. There were no names on the messaging app just a yellow symbol at the top in the middle of the screen. Two nights later she went to the bathroom and I could see through the window that she was on the same messaging system on her phone. I know I've got to stop spying because deep down I know she is talking with someone but I don't know who. I can't prove she is having an affair just everything within my gut tells me its going on. We are not emotionally connected at all. I have started back work too but its hard to get it out of my mind throughout the day. She has been telling me to just be patient and everything will work out. I know she has been infatuated with her boss because of our past conversations. Her beliefs and attitudes have changed. She has been working out in town every morning really early. Her boss workouts during that time period too but at a different gym 1/4 mile away. Even after I caught them together she worked out the next morning. She goes 7 days a week. I am lost and don't know what to do. If i stand up to her she may leave or not talk to me at all. I want to save my marriage because I know that I love her. We also have both kids in the home. My oldest is attending college and the youngest son is in 8th grade. I am thinking if I will be patient she will eventually come around. The affair can't go anywhere because of their position in the public and both of them being married. I think she wanted separation at the beginning of summer so she could run around with him while they were both out of work. Problem is I am out of work also. Please give me some advice for saving my marriage. I have not contacted the guy, or his wife, or their employer. I don't want to humiliate my wife and besides I don't really know that they are having an affair. There is a lot of tension around the house right now. I am hoping in time this will play itself out but it is killing me. Please give some advice.