From the other side (#10)

[Gerda]

First of all -- ((((SBJ)))))))

What a burden you are carrying today. That conversation sounds very painful, especially on the heels of a fun afternoon.

There is only one stand-up guy in that equation. The one who is/was standing for his marriage. The one who has to be explained as a stand-up guy with notations on how what a stand-down gal his ex-W is -- this is not a sign of a stand-up anything. It's a big mess.

Maybe a stand-up comedy? .

Or stand-up tragedy?

I object to your characterization of being fired. You were not fired. Your wife quit.

And I don't agree that you are throwing away your good relationship with the in-law family by not going to family functions where Stand-Up Idiot is. You should keep seeing them on your own terms, when you can find joy in that. You have not been following the ways of the world in any of this, and showing up to make nice with the OM at a family function to which only you have the convenant right to be there -- no way. Your kid's wedding, okay, you gotta go to that. But not any old family function. You are showing respect to your vows by not participating in an equation that has no equals sign.

So I also object to your saying to your wife what you said. You are not a victim! (That's what the guys have been telling me.) I would have said lightly, "Oh, thanks for the sentiment, but out of respect to our marriage, I wouldn't do that. I really do love your family, don't worry, I'll see them on my own terms as much as ever."

Also -- We can't do things to change our spouses. But being absent from those family functions could be a little mirror for her. Ain't no way Stand-Up Guy (aka, SUG) is gonna measure up. He'll just be a reminder of the Great Big SBJ-Sized Hole in the family, a hole he can't fill.