I fear her coming out of the tunnel, then getting scared and running back in if she senses any pressure, i.e. the Squirrel Analogy, no sudden movements that might scare her off. Or do I try to gently guide her along and lead her to the safe Lighthouse?
You see her as coming out of the tunnel? Based on what? Her words?
Think about the lighthouse's job. It shines a beam of light. It doesn't wade out into the stormy waters to pull the sailor to shore. It firmly stands on solid ground and shines light. It's up to the sailor to follow the light to safety.
I think your idea of "gently guiding her" is you trying to help her, and you are using these analogies. It sounds like the right thing to do to the ears of a LBH, however, it doesn't work like you see it. She has to figure it out on her own. You can't fix her, and I think that's what you are really wanting to do. ((hugs))
Whenever the LBH thinks his W is trying to get closer by more talking, or offering to do help with certain responsibilities or chores.......it seems to be a somewhat dangerous territory. By that, I mean that he lets down his guard b/c he wants to believe she is trying to work through her issues or whatever. Actually, he is scared to death to not let her do whatever it is she has mentioned, b/c he fears it's the one time she may have a breakthrough........realization, start coming out of the fog, or whatever. The lines he has drawn begins to blur, b/c he's spending too much time letting her talk/text him, letting her come around the house, etc. First thing he knows, she has slithered under the door like a snake, and has done none of the necessary work. Guess what? That's what she is doing now............slithering. This is JMHO.
Other than her one horse, are there any more horses or animals in the barn? See, you should have either had her to do all the chores connected to the upkeep of the horse.......or removed the horse from the property (unless there is a law the forbids it.) However, you were too soft-hearted when it came to her and the horse, so there were no clear cut lines about her having to take care of the responsibilities of the horse. You would say something, but there were no consequences, so if she didn't want to drive out there to take care of it, then she didn't. Now......she is begging you to let her go so far as to cut the pasture. Are there any other animals, or just the one horse?
The horse (and swimming pool) have been her main reasons for coming to the house, since the separation. You knew this, and I think it's why you were so reluctant to draw hard lines about the horse. You were afraid she would no longer come at all, and you weren't emotionally ready. So now, you are faced with this situation of her wanting to jump in and "help more". It would have been easier if you had had a firm understanding about the horse when she first left. See what I mean?
I don't think she's ready to stick to anything on a regular basis, but rather everything will rely on her mood at that moment. If it inconveniences everyone else, that's too bad. She is wishy-washy and that's why you have to be wise and strongly planted in what is right & wrong. Otherwise, she's going to break your heart over & over again. One day she may want you to listen to her talk for hours. She may even suggest that the family go together and do this or that, but then she lets you & the kids down b/c something else distracted her attention.
Don't let her recent talks mislead you. I think having these long talk/texts play tricks on your heart. It pulls you in, and you become more emotionally attached. How about you limit how much you respond? I mean, you mentally put a time limit on these conversations. After 15 - 20 minutes, you have to go. You stop texting. You are involved in a project, a movie, book, hobby, or something other than using your time to respond to every text message from her. Don't be available all the time. Right now, you cannot think about gently guiding her back, b/c it messes with your head. It's a game you are playing with yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
