In addition to being unable to stay with any changes or promises i have difficulty listening or paying attention, no matter how hard i try. I want everything to become second nature to me but i just can’t seem to do it, i also want to earn her forgiveness but idk if she can forgive me. She says i act like everything's fine and i act like nothing happened. To be completely honest, and i’m not trying to use this as a scapegoat, but i think i may actually have ADHD. My parents always wondered if i might have, due to behaviors and things i did, it as well as a few doctors and the counselor i’ve been going to asked if i was ever diagnosed with it, i didn’t even bring up the possibility of it before.
Jb - You listed a lot here.
Forget about your W for a minute. You listed a lot of items here that you can work on to improve yourself. And the good thing is you are aware of the problems!
I think it's really easy to get stuck at that point - being aware of the problem,s not being able to make progress. I'm not going to 2x4 you because I know what it feels like with all these issues swirling around and feeling like no matter how hard you try there is no progress.
If you think you may have ADHD, go see a doctor. Take ownership of seeking help. I definitely have ADHD-like symptoms but I believe it is situational. But also... even if you have ADHD, you will need to put in a lot of work on yourself if you want to make lasting change.
Unable stay with any changes or promises - This is something to dig into and work on. If you don't know where to start, let us know. The forum will give advice. Then it's up to you to put in the work and effort and find what actually works for you.
Difficulty listening or paying attention - Ditto.
Earn her forgiveness - I suggest you drop this for now. First of all, you are not anywhere near a stage where your W will forgive you. Work on the above things and you might have a chance in the long run. Also, I hope you want to earn her forgiveness regardless of the outcome to your M - otherwise what you are really telling yourself is you want her to accept you back, which is another form of unhealthy attachment. Forgiveness should be completely unconditional, otherwise it is not forgiveness.
JB. You won't be able to earn her forgiveness. She BD'd you. You are spinning badly. You are heavily into the mindset that there is something that you can do to influence her. You can't do that. You cannot make her forgive you. You cannot make her stop holding onto your past mistakes.
You cannot change the past. Sure, regret it, but do not dwell on it, even if shee is. Like Steve said, you are very negative. You need to change these. If you recognize you have issues in an area, do what Steve said.
But you say these things to yourself. Write them down. "I will communicate better"
You said that you have a hard time communicating. Right now, focus on validating. Validating is a huge way of showing communication.
Do not approach her and talk about the R. However, if she approaches you and says something, you need to respond showing that you understand what she is saying and that you respect her feelings.
W: "You never communicate, it makes me so angry!" You: "I understand how not communicating made you feel angry".
Its a simple statement, you are not admitting guilt, you are not saying sorry, you are showing that you understand what she said and that you recognize her feelings.
Regarding the past, it was a mistake yes. Was it comparable to an A? Not in most peoples opinions, but your W sure didn't like it. Again, you cannot change the past, but you can sure not repeat the same behaviors. If she brings that up again you validate, just like the above.
If you have said sorry once, that is the only time you need to say it. Do not apologize for something over and over as it makes you look weak.
The only time you don't validate is when she is putting you down, yelling at you or belittling you. If she does that you just don't say anything back.
Did you read the DR book? You seem like you are spinning badly still. You are trying to figure out what is going on and trying to formulate a plan on how to fix it. Stop that.
You will not figure it out and you will not fix it. So pull back, focus on yourself, better yourself and give her space. When you talk, validate, understand, be present when she is talking. If the conversation goes sideways, walk away. If she starts mistreating you, tell her that you will not continue the conversation as its not being productive and walk away. Or just walk away.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I understand how it made her feel and i truly regret it, we just can’t seem to get over it and i can’t seem to earn her forgiveness. To me it isn’t as bad as cheating because i was on the same meds for a few months and started noticing adverse affects from it, so it came from a place if concern about her and us, and partly me trying to blame our problems on the meds. My friend told her while it was petty it wasn’t anything we couldn't get over same with communication. She said the doctor thing was her deal breaker
More negativity.
And they all say something is the "deal breaker". For my W it was one night she had taken our D to a high school basketball game. At the game pizza is $2/slice. So she ran my D and kids up to a local place to get a $5 large pizza. I checked where they were and noticed she was not at the game. I called and asked what they were doing and she said she ran up to get a pizza? I was like "What? Why are you doing that?!?"
She took that as me treating her like a child. And that she couldn't get over it. It has been nearly 2 years, a BD and an almost divorce later, and now she is over it. Give it time. AND STAY POSITIVE!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand how it made her feel and i truly regret it, we just can’t seem to get over it and i can’t seem to earn her forgiveness. To me it isn’t as bad as cheating because i was on the same meds for a few months and started noticing adverse affects from it, so it came from a place if concern about her and us, and partly me trying to blame our problems on the meds. My friend told her while it was petty it wasn’t anything we couldn't get over same with communication. She said the doctor thing was her deal breaker
More negativity.
And they all say something is the "deal breaker". For my W it was one night she had taken our D to a high school basketball game. At the game pizza is $2/slice. So she ran my D and kids up to a local place to get a $5 large pizza. I checked where they were and noticed she was not at the game. I called and asked what they were doing and she said she ran up to get a pizza? I was like "What? Why are you doing that?!?"
She took that as me treating her like a child. And that she couldn't get over it. It has been nearly 2 years, a BD and an almost divorce later, and now she is over it. Give it time. AND STAY POSITIVE!!
Not sure what you mean? Slowly she went from being completely done. To being open to the idea of Ring. To being 50/50 on whether to stay or go. To leaning toward staying. To finally and completely committing back to the marriage.
It doesn't happen overnight. There is nothing you can do to trigger it. All you can do is focus on you. GAL like a madman. Detach. And continue to self-improve (180s). She has to decide what she wants. And you have to respect that no matter what it ends up being.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
JB. You won't be able to earn her forgiveness. She BD'd you. You are spinning badly. You are heavily into the mindset that there is something that you can do to influence her. You can't do that. You cannot make her forgive you. You cannot make her stop holding onto your past mistakes.
^^^THIS^^^
JB, the doctor thing was a mistake, you owned it, but here's the deal- your W doesn't WANT to forgive you. Not for this, not for all your other wrongs (real or imagined, and believe me she imagines MANY), not for anything. Right now her mindset is "I want JB out of my life and I will cling to anything and everything I can to justify that narrative." ANYTHING you do will be "wrong" in her eyes. Don't tell her you love her? You're cold and indifferent. Tell her you love her? You're too clingy. Don't tell her she looks pretty? You're insensitive. Tell her she looks pretty? You're shallow and superficial.
^^^READ THIS. UNDERSTAND THIS^^^ It is why we tell you to pull back, leave her alone, give her time and space and work on YOURSELF. Because anything you try to do for her is going to fail to impress her.
This is what you are up against. This is also the most difficult concept LBS's struggle to understand, because it makes no sense in the context of a previously happy marriage.
ANYTHING you do will be "wrong" in her eyes. Don't tell her you love her? You're cold and indifferent. Tell her you love her? You're too clingy. Don't tell her she looks pretty? You're insensitive. Tell her she looks pretty? You're shallow and superficial.
^^^READ THIS. UNDERSTAND THIS^^^ It is why we tell you to pull back, leave her alone, give her time and space and work on YOURSELF. Because anything you try to do for her is going to fail to impress her.
This is what you are up against. This is also the most difficult concept LBS's struggle to understand, because it makes no sense in the context of a previously happy marriage.
AS - Thank you for spelling out so clearly a lesson it took me a long while to learn. I hope R2C adds this to his quotes.
So i basically have to stop trying to impress her and try to impress myself with any progress i make? Which she will in turn, most likely, start to be impressed again
