She told him communication is her big problem with me.. she said she’s tired of no communication and that she was the only one to try in the relationship. I admit that is my biggest weakness is communication and the ability to stay with change. I want to work on it, my friend says her words says she’s done but her actions says otherwise
JB, sorry you've been hit with so many bad things this year. It seems like that happens to many of us. We get kicked down, then kicked again, then hit with BD by the wife we thought we could always depend on through thick and thin. It happened to me too, two relatives going through cancer, one passed away, two relatives with drug problems, one of them later passed away from an overdose, problems with our kids, then XW hits me with BD. All I can say is when you're laying at the rock bottom of a pit like that, there's only one place to go and it's up. I went through a ton of pain and anguish for months like most everyone here does, then things started turning around and now I am happier and healthier than I have been in many years, since well before BD in fact. And my marriage was not saved. There are others here that are equally happy with their lives now, some reconciled and some didn't but all are in a much better place. So hold onto hope, despite how bad things seem right now in a few years you will look back on it like it was a bad dream. You may be reconciled or you may not be, but you'll get through it.
Jb - Communication can be a huge catch-all for "we have problems and I can't describe what they are." So it might not be the problem. It might be your W feeding into her narrative so she can walk away guilt-free.
But... if you admit you have communication issues, it will only help you to work on them (whether with your W, or other people). What are you doing to work on your communication? Can you be more specific on what your issues are?
I really don’t know how to work on them, there was also another problem she had, one where i hurt her really bad, i don’t really want to go into detail. I didn’t cheat or anything but the hurt was just as bad. My friend told her that all these things were bad but could be overlooked. In addition to being unable to stay with any changes or promises i have difficulty listening or paying attention, no matter how hard i try. I want everything to become second nature to me but i just can’t seem to do it, i also want to earn her forgiveness but idk if she can forgive me. She says i act like everything's fine and i act like nothing happened. To be completely honest, and i’m not trying to use this as a scapegoat, but i think i may actually have ADHD. My parents always wondered if i might have, due to behaviors and things i did, it as well as a few doctors and the counselor i’ve been going to asked if i was ever diagnosed with it, i didn’t even bring up the possibility of it before.
Jb, not sure about ADHD, but you certainly have a case of negativism. "I really don't know how". "I don't really want." "I just can't seem to do it." "idk if she can forgive me."
These kinds of statements are self-defeating. Further, imagine being married to a negative person? Your W lives that every day!
Change your narrative. Become positive. Say things like "I really need to learn how....." "I need to share these details so you can help me..." "I need to figure out how to make this second nature...." "I need to work hard to earn her forgiveness....."
See the difference?? When you say things like you say them you close the door to self-improvement and being better moving forward.
Now what did you do that is just as bad as cheating? This is a no judgement, anonymous zone.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I called her doctor about her meds and that i thought it was making her emotionally numb, i know it was a really bad idea and idk what i was thinking, she said it was just as bad as cheating because it betrayed her trust and made her look crazy and so it cut her really deep, she said she doesn’t think she can ever forgive me for it
I called her doctor about her meds and that i thought it was making her emotionally numb, i know it was a really bad idea and idk what i was thinking, she said it was just as bad as cheating because it betrayed her trust and made her look crazy and so it cut her really deep, she said she doesn’t think she can ever forgive me for it
A) Not as bad as cheating. I mean it really isn't (see B), which means eventually she can get over it easier than she could an A.
B) If she thinks it is as bad as cheating then that is her perception and you have empathize with that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand how it made her feel and i truly regret it, we just can’t seem to get over it and i can’t seem to earn her forgiveness. To me it isn’t as bad as cheating because i was on the same meds for a few months and started noticing adverse affects from it, so it came from a place if concern about her and us, and partly me trying to blame our problems on the meds. My friend told her while it was petty it wasn’t anything we couldn't get over same with communication. She said the doctor thing was her deal breaker
