A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

Hi LH, Steve85 and ovrrnbw,

Thanks for your reply. I'm actually not in UK but in Asia.

LH,

Yeah there were much red flags and I was thinking I could be the person who helped her out of it hah. She ever been in a self-discovery course couple of years back and the trainer got them to do some sketching. From her artwork, the trainer mentioned she has some serious issues but she plainly brush it off back then. Now when it all spilled out, she start seeking for some professional help through art theraphy.

My boundaries to her are:

1. As long as we are in this marriage, I will not allow any third party in it. If she need her freedom and to resolve her issues, go ahead. But I will not take it lying down if there is a third party. (This I communicated to her.)

2. I stopped any intimacy with her because, I am not a man tool. (I told her this too)

3. I do not let her thrash talk me nor talk down at me. (This I carried out via my action)

4. I no longer allow her to convince me how inadequate I was as a husband to her needs and feel sad about it. Because I genuinely believes I tried to the best that I could in my role. It is perhaps our expectation does not match and our communication broke down. When we have such issue, it should be resolved through us and mediation, not through her actions.

Once BD, I started to sort out things and taking actions to work on the marriage and where I thought I fell short in then. Although she claimed she tried to work on it blah blah blah, I seen zero actions from her towards rebuilding the relationship. Instead it's all hell break loose, doing what she want to do and totally letting her emotions rule over everything.

Back then we were we seeing a counselor, the counselor also noted that she has an escapist character. Instead of facing and resolving problem, she either bury it or run away from it. I guess that is how she lead her life. She had a petty chaotic childhood with the parents frequently quarreling and the mum always telling them she is staying in the marriage because of them children. And mum was kinda abusive as well towards her when she's young due to her own frustrations over hardship in life and etc and W just bury everything and put up the front to be the ideal daughter to please the mum. Not to mentioned family was very controlling and imposed unreasonable restrictions on her. Thus, she had little commitment to rough it through issues I think. Because she keep saying that she does not want to be like her mum and stay for the children. She just want to do her own things. find her own place, live by herself and doing everything by herself. Thus when she moved out, I encouraged her so she can have a feel of how it is.

But then she was still very dependent on the home support. Also because after the rough childhood when the family is doing better, the parents tried to make it up to them siblings and pampered them like princes and princess. So basically she had a life of a golden spoon from her teenage years onwards, but never really address those matters in her earlier years.

But I feel she could totally let go of everything because when the kids are sick, she would not even pop by to check on them even though she's just less than 30 mins drive away. She would always claim that the kids matter to her a lot but I don't really see it via her actions. Thus, I am particularly concern about the Children well being if they are with her.

5. I would not let her guilt trip me on how I am paying attention to myself or doing the things I like. Yes one of the issue was she mentioned I was on the phone too much and phone gaming. Perhaps it was much back then but I don't think I should give it up completely as long as I don't overly indulge in it.

Steve85,

Yes I agree she is lazy. She never had to worry about anything as I had all taken care of for her. I had always been the planner in our relationship and life and I am a plan A,B,C guy, always coming up with contingencies. At first when she mentioned about divorce, I was the one combing through all the information, law and such. While for her, she thought that divorce is just signing on the paper and a ray of golden light will shine on her then start sh!tting rainbow. Initially during the shocked stage, I was still concerned and keep prompting her of what are her plans post divorce? had she considered about her living arrangements, her expenses, this and that? Till I chided her that look, you are the one who wanted a divorce and it seems that I became more knowledgeable in it that you.

Till I can't be bother about considering for her anymore and just map out what I have to do at my end eventually when that happens and how to best settle the kids. I can say that till date, she still has no clue what she's in for. Likewise when she moved out, she took the family car with her, without considering that it is meant for ferrying the kids to school. And when she did that, she was still expecting me to transfer the parking arrangement for her and help her find which is the most convenient parking lots. I told her you had to sort that out yourself! For god sake.

As like mentioned by my lawyer when I gave him a short summary of my sitch, he straight away mentioned she's spoilt. Thus to me, I see her the deadly cocktail of MLC, Wayward and being Spoilt. Which I have a hand in spoiling her too.

ovrrnbw,

No matter where we are, the kind of EA that she had is intolerable. It goes against the fundamental value of moral and sorts, not to mention her role as a mentor to the kid. She could be the mum of that kid. That's why I told her if she knows wth she was doing and what she's putting at stake? I would have been more accepting it was some other better or established guy but, her student? There was a precedence of such being exposed and it was her colleague. Then she was so sad that it happened to her colleague and exclaiming what the hell was she doing. But then nothing surprising, what they once against they are now for it.

She said she enjoyed hanging out with them as she would feel very carefree and without a worry in the world. Trying to catch up on her lost youth, dressing young, getting a tattoo and behaving like what teenagers will do.

Noted on the bold part which LH and you highlighted. I agree that she totally has no respect for me now. It eroded away into resentment and hatred. and as what Sandi mentioned, there would not be love without respect which is very true. I also faced alot of projections and blame shifting. Along with the re-writing of history and, accusations I would say? haha

If you ask me where I am thinking for this marriage to head to.... This is how I feel for now. I actually don't mind her taking time to go and do what she want in life and resolves whichever issues she has. But I will not tolerate if she does anything to dishonor the marriage.

In the process of DB, I try to set the feeling and love for her aside and focus more on my emotional well being first. She is a family member to me, and the mother of my children. Actually she was such an angel back then thus I had rained that much of attention on her. But now she had become who she is, I had to pull back to protect myself. Frankly, I do hope that she would walk through that fog and come to, then start piecing things together. Otherwise, I have to be strong and be the light for our kids. Because as the couple, we have the choice. But the kids, they don't. I just felt very apologetic towards them that they had to go through this.

One thing I know is I want to get back the respect first. Because I know that is required for us to get back together. And even if we don't and I don't have that back, she'll likely give me much [censored] even if we separate.