When I am with him, I do feel myself getting more anxious, defensive, upset, needy etc - all the bad stuff - and acting out of that rather than acting out of a steadier place. That's how I know I am not ready for piecing
I would say that is a good sign you are not ready.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I know you weren't asking for suggestions, but just in case this is helpful to you - what I have found useful to help me get steady is 1. going dark as much as is practically possible (we do still actually talk a lot about childcare logistics and the kids, which is fine - and these past couple of weeks I listen when he wants to tell me about himself, but I don't tend to join in). 2. meditation 3. walking.
Alison - Steadiness is my goal, and I'm glad to hear I am following a similar path because I can tell from your posts you are reaching a nice balance.
#1 - I am doing something similar, probably not to the degree you are. We still have weekly MC and a 1:1 phone call to cover logistics and the kids (with a pre-set agenda). There are flare-ups from time to time, but the frequency has reduced. I feel like I struggle more with detaching from the dream of nuclear family life than from my W. Kid handoffs are still a little weird, we both fall into old patterns of friendliness sometimes which feels awkward.
#2 - After probably 7 years of periodically dabbling, but never seriously, for the last 10 days or so meditation is finally clicking for me. It is incredible. The phone app has helped me a ton because it has so many options to try. It really has helped ease me in and experiment with what works (instead of just trying to sit quiet and focus on breathing, which I think is a really hard way to enter into meditation for a newbie).
#3 - I work at a beautiful campus, and every day includes an after-lunch walk. That and I am exercising like a maniac (which helps with sleep issues).
I am also an avid podcast consumer. But I switched from relationship and divorce podcasts over to different ones recommended primarily by Maika. Many of these touch on emotional awareness and relationships, but sometimes they are just great motivation to get up and attack life head-on day by day. Taking that energy and re-focusing it in a positive direction helps a lot.
What doesn't work for me: Ruminating, reading too many books or articles, spending too much time on DB forums, wallowing, worrying about the future, whether I will reconcile or find somebody else, sitting on my couch, etc.
