This is my first post. I'm lost and don't know what to do.
Here's the details in short form .
History/background:
My husband has been talking/sexting another woman for 2yrs. He's 49yo. Neither of us has been married before. Met in 1995, introduced by a mutual friend, married May of 1997. We were both engaged prior. He caught his fiance cheating on him. My fiance just wasn't in love with me anymore and his parents & grandparents pulled him away too.
About him:
Super nice, kind guy but does have a temper and can be obstinate. Will help anyone he can. High school and vocational school grad. Holds a steady job and doesn't job hop. Never been fired or written up. Has worked 3 different places since we've been together with most recent job change almost 2 mos ago. Has held supervisory position. His parents have been married for over 50 years. He's never done drugs. Quit chewing tobacco 2yrs ago. Has started drinking more lately. Drinks nearly daily. Sometimes it's just a shot or two of whiskey, sometimes he gets intoxicated. His drinking does bother me and he has cut back the past 9 days.
About me:
Love to help people. High emotional intelligence. Enjoy teaching others/mentoring. Two college degrees. My parents have been married over 50years. It's not been the best marriage due to my father's alcoholism and my mother is extremely critical and controlling. I've never smoked, did drugs and I rarely drink and never to the point of intoxication.
Us:
We had a great marriage. Always affectionate with each other. Had our ups and downs but no big struggles. Do lots of things together and work very well as a team.
What happened:
Two years ago in May, we were going fishing with a couple of friends. His phone slipped off the seat as he was driving and I caught it before it hit the floor. What was on the screen SHOCKED me to the core. He was sexting another female. I was mad and hurt. I didn't know what to say. I cried and barely spoke to him. He said 'it was just texts, wasn't doing anything wrong, nothing physical occurred'and he would quit. I believed him. Prior to this for several months, his affection and desire to have sex dropped off dramatically. I questioned him and he didn't know why and I didn't either. I had no idea he was sexting then but he was.
Things improved but he still at times wasn't as sexual as before. Jump forward to fall of 2018. I started checking the phone bill and he was calling and texting another number a LOT. A friend helped me out and I very quickly found out it was the same woman as before, especially after he accidentally sent a text to me instead of her. I was very angry and hurt again. I truly had believed ended it until he started acting the same way as before which caused me to check the phone bill. I didn't let him know I knew. I was trying to make some sense of it all and working through my feelings. A few days later, he called me and said he was coming home from work early and needed to talk to me. He came home and came clean. Told me he was still talking to her, didn't know why still, was sorry and would end it. I did most of the talking but still not letting him know that I knew he was calling her. I watched the phone bill for the next month and it seemed he had quit. Well, he did for a month then started again.
I confronted him saying I knew based on his behavior, which was partially true. He denied it initially and I kept talking. Then he said they were just friends and were just talking. I began to monitor their conversations and found most were fairly platonic minus a few pet names like Babe, Sweetcheeks and some sexually connotative remarks. He said he was coming to visit her twice but instead spent time with me.
Her:
I've met her. Early 50's late 40's, smokes, disabled due to seizures, doesn't drive, unemployed. Lives with a guy who was married to her mother. Her mother was married to his uncle before that. The parents of the guy she lives with cheated on each other their entire marriage.
I didn't know any sexting was going on between this woman and my husband when I met her. I do know they were texting one another because would be out to eat and he would text her and tell me she said hello to me. At the time, I trusted him completely and never would have dreamed he was sexting her. One thing she said to me that sticks in my brain: "Women get upset when I talk to their husbands. " I replied they shouldn't if it's just friendly conversation and they trust each other. Looking back, I feel she was testing the waters so to speak and I think she has done this with other married men before.
I don't know what to do. I have a counseling appointment set up for next week with a local counselor. Any advice or support is appreciated!
Last edited by job; 07/31/1901:31 PM. Reason: added spacing between paragraphs for easier reading
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
"Women get upset when I talk to their husbands. " I replied they shouldn't if it's just friendly conversation and they trust each other.
Barf. People of the opposite sex have a hard time being platonic with each other. Our nature is constantly working below the surface against people who are attracted to one another. That's why we have minds, to control our natural impulses. There is no such thing as "just friends" IMO.
But I digress. I'm sorry you are here, it really [censored]. The good is that your H is still wanting to be with you, sorta. The bad is that he still wants her in some form, and that he is used to you accepting his explanation and then going back and texting her again. Lord only knows if they've met and done more.
I think you'll be on a similar journey to many posters here and it will lead down the paths of healing, self reflection, growth, self respect. It's a process, and the harder your try, the better you will be. I'd be willing to be that you are worth more than the treatment your H has been giving you? As a woman, would you say that you have many good qualities that men would find attractive and appreciate? I ask this b/c I think your path leads you to a choice where ultimately you will have to decide if you have enough self respect to not tolerate his betrayal and disrespect. It's a scary path, b/c it may end up pushing away the H you love. But MWD talks about fear in her book, and how operating from a fearful perspective will not give the desired result. I wish you good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you for your response! I sincerely appreciate it. I do feel I have many good qualities that men would find attractive and appreciate. Through this whole ordeal, I've not felt sorry for myself or blamed myself for his inappropriate behavior. There are a few things I need to improve upon but I don't take full responsibility for his behavior.
We talked some yesterday evening. I told him I didn't trust him and that he was going to have to work on that. I said you have lied to me multiple times. He doesn't talk much which is sooooo frustrating! I said his actions jeopardized our marriage and that I find it hard to believe that just texting and talking created such a strong desire for him to continue to maintain contact with her.
On Monday evening, he dropped me off at a store while he went to others. He had not called her all day and I was pleased. Unfortunately, he called her that evening . When he picked me up, I asked if he had called her. He raised his voice and threw his hands in the air. Since I am monitoring his calls, I knew he was lying and even if I wasn't monitoring, his reaction was pretty telling. He asked me why I asked and made a few more comments. I became silent because I didn't know what to say. Eventually, he said he did and again insisted they were just friends. Calling her a pet name and making sexually related comments is not what I would categorize as 'just friends'. I told him I appreciate him telling me the truth. He said he lied because he knew I would be mad. Geeze, why would he expect any other reaction from me?!?
Last night when we talked, he lied again saying he only talks to her once a week. He actually talks to her every day he works during work hours and sometimes other times if I'm not around (like Monday evening). He continues to deny anything physical happened and even though I call it cheating/having an affair, he says it isn't because it wasn't physical. I said it was impure thoughts and the texting and talking are considered cheating.
Last edited by job; 07/31/1901:31 PM. Reason: added spacing between paragraphs for easier reading.
Mindy, here is the thing. He feels like he can do this and that since you love him you will be there waiting. Think of it as a child that has no consequences for bad behavior, there is no incentive to improve their behavior.
First, what you did right. Not laying all of your cards on the table. We've seen it and most of have been through it, that if you let him know how you know, he will go more covert. Many WAS/cheating spouses have resorted to burner phones to keep their EAs or PAs going.
What you haven't done well is constantly talking to him about this. It is time to back way off. Give him time and space. Go out and GAL yourself. Detach! Do not let his crazy affect your emotions (this is difficult to do but over time you can master it). And it sounds like your 180s are all related to this EA. Stop monitoring his calls and texts. Find other things to occupy your time. Read lots of books (this helped me immensely). Reconnect with old friends (FEMALE ONLY!) and stay active and busy. Start working out! Nothing helps the mind more than keeping the body active. So run, bike, jog, go to the gym, whatever you have to do.
FInaly Mindy, brace yourself. These things have a tendency to get worse before they get better. Also, I know very few men that stick with an EA for this long if it doesn't eventually go physical by now. So be prepared for the fact that it probably has already been a PA.
Keep posting, hang in there. Come here and post before doing or saying things so we can help you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the advice! Would you please explain more about this comment: """ And it sounds like your 180s are all related to this EA.""
You are exactly right about not letting him know how I know he's still calling her. He stopped texting awhile ago and I figured it was because he thought I might have got the texts off his phone and just by talking, there wouldn't be a way to track it. She has changed her phone number three times but it could be because social services were providing her a phone. I do know her current number accepts texts. I didn't know what a burner NUMBER was until very recently. I then found an app where you could trial one for a week. I did and sent her a bogus text and when she replied, I said it was an error. I'm assuming a burner PHONE is a prepaid phone?
I hadn't talked to him about this constantly. I brought it up about three weeks ago because I couldn't go on any longer acting like he wasn't talking to her when I knew he was. I couldn't go on living like that. He doesn't communicate well and that's why I started to monitor calls. I wanted proof it was 'just platonic'. It was to give me a peace of mind. And it did to a degree. At least I know their convos are not phone sex but I also know it's not a strictly platonic relationship. I do need more friends. I work from home, had a close friend but she died from liver cancer, have no neighbors, had another good friend but she is in an abusive relationship and her husband broke our friendship off plus she lived over an hour away, and I had another very dear friend who became an alcoholic after her father died and she couldn't maintain a friendship. I have a good friend who is going through a similar situation and she has been very helpful in helping me deal with this. We have a farm on top of working full time and it doesn't leave me a lot of free time.
We had been working out together. I at least need to try and start again. It does help.
Thank you for your help!
Last edited by job; 07/31/1901:32 PM. Reason: added spacing between paragraphs for easier reading.
Thank you for the advice! Would you please explain more about this comment: """ And it sounds like your 180s are all related to this EA.""
Stop monitoring his calls and texts. Leave him to figure all this out (whether he wants to keep it going or end it) himself. Stop trying to control him and the EA. Stop talking to him about it. As hard as it is just let it lie, at least for now. My counselor helped me through this (that is another idea, get into IC) by telling me that the truth always has a way of coming to light.
Those are all 180s you can make today.
Yes, that is the problem with snooping. We snoop because we have a gut feeling something is wrong, but we want to prove that everything is okay. And then we freak when our gut was right and we find something.
One of the hardest things LBSs struggle with is letting go of trying to control. Because you can't. When people want to do something they will do it, NO MATTER WHAT. So trying to control what you cannot will just frustrate you, stymie you, and keep you stuck instead of moving forward.
Your goal shouldn't be to control it, it should be to become a woman only a complete idiot would leave. If you do that, and he leaves anyway, why would you want to stay with a complete idiot?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Mindy.... you are in a great position here as there has been no BD and your H seems to still care what you think. However, you are running the risk of making him feel like your misbehaving child as opposed to your H. Please take others advice and back right off. This is NOT about her. If things between you and your H were really good, there would be no space for her. You need to do a 180 here if you want to work things out with him. Stop trying to control him...he will run for sure.
Consider your part in all of this. You are not in any way to blame but you have contributed. It is only natural that long term relationships start to get stale and people start taking each other for granted. This OW does not sound like a long term problem to me but she will become that if you focus on her. Instead, focus on you and what you can do to better yourself and remind your H of why he fell in love with you in the first place. GAL and do your 180s. Reconnect with the person you used to be when the two of you met. Pay attention to the things he is doing right, not doing wrong. I know this feels unfair and it is. But you need to ask yourself... do you want to be right or do you want to fix your marriage?
What Steve said... become AWOAFWL. Show him you will be just fine no matter what he does... and you will be if you do this. (((HUGS)))
Mindy, it sounds like you are clear on this point but just in case you're not- what he is doing is WRONG. It IS an affair. It doesn't matter whether he's been physical with her or not, sexting and calling someone sweetcheeks and such as an affair plain and simple. Definitely do not give him a free pass on this. It will more than likely go physical at some point, but even if it never does it is doing tremendous damage to your M. It sounds like he has not "dropped the bomb", is that correct? He hasn't said he's done with the marriage? He just expects everything to continue as-is?
You told him to drop contact with her, that is a "boundary". But you didn't discuss the ramifications if he breached that boundary, and now he has. So what do you do? Well you tell him your boundary again, but this time tell him what will happen if he violates it again. So you need to think about what that is, you kick him out? You leave? You stop all marital activities (dates, doing things together, etc.) until he agrees to MC? Whatever it is you need to decide that and tell him, and be ready to enforce it if and when he violates it again (because he probably will).
Tough love is the only thing that is going to get through to him unfortunately.
.
. When he picked me up, I asked if he had called her. He raised his voice and threw his hands in the air. Since I am monitoring his calls, I knew he was lying and even if I wasn't monitoring, his reaction was pretty telling. He asked me why I asked and made a few more comments. I became silent because I didn't know what to say. Eventually, he said he did and again insisted they were just friends. Calling her a pet name and making sexually related comments is not what I would categorize as 'just friends'. I told him I appreciate him telling me the truth. He said he lied because he knew I would be mad. Geeze, why would he expect any other reaction from me?!?