A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

Hi all,

I have been a silent reader for a while and would like to seek the advice from the experts on my next steps. My stitch had been more than a year and I'll like to summarize the background below:

Our family profile as per my signature. Wife is an educator. BD on me in July last year during our anniversary dinner with our marriage might be a the end of road. We've got to see a counselor ( Big Shock for me ) as suggested by her friend and this was actually not new. She's been feeling like that for a few years and etc.

Prior to that, I had been working late for an extended period of time so I thought my absence might have taken a toll on her. But then again it would not be physical exhaustion as we have a helper at home and she would not need to lift a finger on household chores or children as she had the support of my parents as well for the kids. Basically, Apart from working, her day ends with getting home, having dinner (which is all prepared) and then go about with her own things.

After the BD, I agreed with her that let's see a counselor. I also try to reduce the stay back at work and make more time for the family. Along the way, she also mentioned that her friend recommended us to take a couple trip to work it out which I agreed to and paid for the ticket n accommodation to the holiday, our delayed honeymoon so to speak. Abit of general background, she was from quite a well off family with enabling parents while mine is more of a background which everything I have to strive for. Thus I always strive and work hard to provide my family a better life while she has things, rather easy.

However prior to our appointment with the counselor, there were many sessions of argument between us. It seems like she is finding fault with everything and I took her bait, trying to reason and logic with her and when all her claims failed, I am the defensive one. And when it comes to the counselling session, she refuses to go initially. I tried to convince her to attend for the sake of the children which she did, but with a closed heart. At the session, she just keep stating it is over and even the counselor finds her very strong minded about her decision.

Follow that was our trip. When our trip was coming to an end, she started to tell me this is the wrap up trip, instead of the work it out trip. Returning from the trip, she keeps initiating the divorce arrangement talks with me. I had been reading up other help books and following their guide I told her, well if that is what you want, I consent but that is not what I want. I had thought that my wife was having an MLC but now understanding from here, I now understand she is wayward.

A week after we were back from the trip, I found out that actually all along even before BD, she had an EA with her student, which is a teenager. I was shocked and questioned her professionalism and sanity. But after that she just defended they are only friends and she enjoyed hanging out in their student group. They even planned for holiday which I consented initially without knowing it and later, I stopped it. When I stop her from going, she went hysterical and tried to negotiate, bargain with me to allow her to go for the trip but I held on to my stand. Till her behavior got so outta hand that I drag her to a psychiatrist that verified her to be normal and it's just marital issues we're having.

Her family had been involved all this while because I told her fine, if we are going to divorce, lets inform our families and move on. But she always refuse me to let her parents know and mentioned that she will handle them herself and let them know after we are divorced. Which I felt is kinda nuts as I would have owe them an explanation if that happens. They had been trying to help mending our relationship and were totally disappointed in how she was behaving.

She changed her phone password, became very shady and is away from the home always. Drinking, pubs and ktv and I was doing the super husband thing which Sandi mentioned in her reflections post. I got by through the bottom of every bottle, to stay strong for the kids and give them more attention. While she always talks to the kids about separation to try to get them used to it, (in her terms).

Well I had also been through the mistakes of spy/cry/beg/confronting the other boy zzzzz and the mash-mellow stuffs but gradually, I got kinda numb about it. And she claimed to her parents that she had cut contacts with the group of students since December as they had left school.

And since Dec, things had been fine for a while until she start mentioning divorce again. I told her that if she would like to proceed, it's fine. I drafted out the divorce agreement in march and handed it to her. And then I start to seek for my lawyer for my best interest. I told her that once proceedings is being initiated, I will bring the kids along with me and move out.

Thereafter, although she keep mentioning a couple of times that she is going to proceed with the divorce, she never really took the action. Till in May this year, she mentioned it again and said she is going to do it the next day. I said fine, then we will move out then. And the very next day after she got home, she told me she had submitted the documentations to her lawyer, but told them to hold first because she need to think about it still. And she will be moving out to bunk with her friend. I told her that she is most welcome to go and in fact, I was actually relieved that she is moving out.

Her intention to move out was to simulate post divorce living arrangements as I will be the primary care giver of the kids during weekday while she during weekends. And then she will come back during the weekends to accompany the kids. But the funny thing is, she will come back on random days and bring her laundry back for our helper to wash (yeah she's that pampered) and even though she said she will not be home to eat anymore and intend to reduce her joint expenses contribution, she eats anyway when she i back (not that I mind about food actually zzz). I just felt like she is acting like a teenage rebel.

Now couple of months has past. She came back mentioning that her friend intended to rent the room out to a potential tenant. Although her friend did offer her if she like to rent the room, she turned the offer down as she felt like giving the opportunity to another person (I would like to think that she had wore out her friend's patience and people is asking her to leave in a nicer way).

As her stay over her friend's place is expiring, she started her divorce crusade at me again. For 3 weeks, she told me every week she is going to proceed for the divorce. First week she said that I told her it's fine. Go ahead. Although this is not what I wanted, I value your opinion. Although I did told her that her actions along had been selfish and irresponsible to the kids and that is my view of her. Once she proceed, just inform me and I will activate my lawyer.

Then she told me I can just go ahead and plan what I want to do as she will be proceeding. I told her, just let me know after you had proceeded and I will activate my lawyer because once I do so, he will start his charging. I never hear from her about the divorce proceeding for the whole week from then. Then last week, she started again. Saying that we need to talk. I said ok. Then she said she acknowledged I had become a better person, this and that and blah blah blah. I said yes, I have become a better person for myself and the family. Then she went on with the divorce talk again and I told her.... you had been mentioning this for over a year. And my reply to you is always then same. Next, I pass her my lawyer's name card. I told her if you like to proceed, you can copy my lawyer. Then she turned aside and cried. I asked her anything else? She just shook her head while I went to prepare lunch for the family. Awhile later, she came out join us for lunch and acted as if nothing had happened.

Again, I heard nothing from her for the whole week and this week, she is at it again. Talked to me about the divorce, mentioned she had yet to proceed because she is worried that if we divorce, I wanted to move out immediately with the kids. Why don't I move out during the school holidays only so it will be easier for them to adjust. I told her well, that would be my decision isn't it? I will decide and do what is in the best interest for the children. She would not need to worry about that. And because recently I had been GAL and spending much on fashion and myself, she also asked me if I am seeing someone twice. I just gave her a simple, straight no.

Next up, she started to come asked me how much my lawyer is charging? She said divorce is going to cost unnecessary money and since my lawyer's fee is lower, why not we proceed the filing through my lawyer? I told her, my lawyer is there to represent my best interest. Divorce is what u seek for not what I want. So if you like to proceed, please seek your own legal assistance. Even if you look for my lawyer now, he will not take up your case as that would be conflict of interest. Then she backed off and said noted on that.

That was on monday and today is wednesday and I have heard nothing. She actually moved back in on Sunday and mentioned she is going to stay over at her friend's tonight again which I told her to just go ahead.

Above is the brief background of my story. Now I just GAL, and when she is back during the weekends, I will go out and leave everything to her. Previously I did slept in the guest room and gave her the master bedroom with the kids. But later I find it's rather inconvenient and move back to the master bedroom. When she was about to move back, she asked me if I would to move to my parents place when she is back? I replied to her why should I? I am going to stay in the master bedroom and on our bed. If she does not like it, she can sleep on the kids bed or find somewhere else.

I also stopped going over to her place for the weekly visit and meals as I feel that whenever the dynamics is getting back to the norm, she will crusade again. I also stopped our marriage counselling sometime back as I felt it's unproductive and it's more like an airing of complaint session.

Yeah sure my wife had a troubled childhood and problematic past. Thus initially I thought it was MLC and never came to the term wayward. When I mentioned MLC she also start to visit a therapist but she never shared any of the outcome of the sessions with me. And since she does not like to share it, I would not ask her. But whole on whole, she had become like a changed person while I am here standing for the family.

Recently, she had mellowed down somewhat perhaps her antics all these while would have worn her out. But I do not intend to go soft and still stick onto my stand of what I am doing now. GAL and be mentally strong. Just would like to see what advice the Vets would have for me here and if her divorce threats are empty?