Alison - Your emotional awareness of what is going on inside of you is remarkable. I don't really have any advice I just wanted to say I admire your equanimity in the face of a really really difficult situation.
Hang in there, sometime sitting still and doing nothing is exactly the right thing to do while you let thoughts and emotions settle.
Thank you so much unchien. I feel pretty settled and calm most of the time - I have all the same feelings, but I am watching them rather than acting out of them for the time being. It's a better place to be. I find it much easier to maintain that sense of calm and detachment when I am not around my H. When I am with him, I do feel myself getting more anxious, defensive, upset, needy etc - all the bad stuff - and acting out of that rather than acting out of a steadier place. That's how I know I am not ready for piecing. I like myself better when I am not around him. It's sad, and it might change in time, but for now that is how it is.
I know you weren't asking for suggestions, but just in case this is helpful to you - what I have found useful to help me get steady is 1. going dark as much as is practically possible (we do still actually talk a lot about childcare logistics and the kids, which is fine - and these past couple of weeks I listen when he wants to tell me about himself, but I don't tend to join in). 2. meditation 3. walking.
