How can your H possibly show you? I have no idea. Being on the other side, I don’t know how to show it to my W either.
Just some thoughts... frankly the ball is not in your court. Relationships are not tennis matches.
I abused my husband emotionally and verbally. He moved out 4 months ago. In my case I was depressed which drove a lot of my behavior. I didn't know how bad it was until it was gone. I sought ADs after he left not realizing it would change my life for the better.
He's gone dark but because of kids I can show my changes to him without seeing him. We do text about the kids in a business like manner. At first I was manipulative and he could tell by the words I chose. I couldn't hide it because it wasn't sincere. Over time I started to heal and I don't know I just no longer have the need to manipulate or control. These days I don't expect a response from him, I'm not upset when he ignores me, I can now take the "I'm angry at you" texts without making excuses or trying to talk him out of his feelings. When he pointed out my bad behavior (recently) I thanked him for pointing it out to me and said I would fix it (I was sincere). I'm not completely sure what he wants but I am fixing it to the best of my ability. When I see him (rare) I do ask to R but when he says no I don't push.
I've got to work now but I will write more later. Oh and on the tennis ball thing I read that in cases like this it is the abuser that has the ball. Took me a bit to let that sink in but I get it now. He left solely because I was an abuser. He didn't rush off to file which means the ball is in MY court. He's not doing anything hastily either which means I've got time. BTW I'm 4 months out and I am NOT healthy enough to reconcile. I've come a long way yes but it's too soon and i know it/he knows it. As much as I hate to say this I'll probably need a year. Not full on NC for a year just not not making any major decisions until that year is up.
Kass, I just wanted to acknowledge your post properly. I am sure that a lot of the problems in my marriage stem from a period nearly five years ago when I had very severe PND. I didn't believe I was sick and refused to get treatment for over a year, and in that year made my H's life a misery. I wasn't violent and I wasn't unfaithful, but my behaviour was appalling. I was ill and it wasn't my fault I was will. I wish I'd sought treatment earlier, but part of the illness is not really knowing you are ill. I know it made him scared of me, and feel out of control and helpless, and he felt unable to leave or set boundaries around my behaviour (because, as he said, what kind of man leaves a woman with PND?) and I'm at the stage now where I can look back on that time, and the effects it caused in me, for my H and on my marriage with compassion and regret but not with guilt. I wish you well. Your honesty is really inspiring. If your H is anything like mine, there's a huge amount of fear underneath everything else.
