Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

Continuing my update on the events from yesterday. W texted me in the morning asking if I heard from the friend whose husband died in the motorcycle accident. Then she started going into a bunch of hypothetical what if's that may have prevented it from occurring. I asked W how she was doing with all of it and she replied that she woke up and it hit her like a ton of bricks.

In the evening, W came over to feed the horse and came in the house to get the kids to stay at her place for the evening. We started a conversation about the accident again and W said she hates herself for not being there for her friend. I validated and told her she would have countless opportunities in the future to let her know how much she cares. W said "I like to think I have good ethics and morals, but I don't, I constantly make bad choices." and "I act upon instinctual urges."

Then, she broke down in tears. I went to her and hugged her for about a minute to try and comfort her. She did not pull away, she wrapped her arms around me, she remained in the embrace until I let her go. This is only the 3rd time I touched my W all year, the first 2 attempts (January and May) were unwanted/rejected, this time she appreciated the support.

She went on to talk about how she felt when her mother died when she was 19 and how she doesn't remember much of it as that time in her life was "erased" from her memory. W said she has a dangerous power of being able to block out painful experiences. She continued to talk about her adolescent years and dealing with her alcoholic mother that treated her like garbage leading up to her death from cancer.

We continued to talk, she wasn't in a hurry to leave. I think she stayed for about 2.5 hours before finally taking the kids to her place. Once she got back to her place and the kids were asleep, she texted me about random stuff for about an hour.

That takes us through Monday night.

Now many of you may think I'm delusional and that could be; however, I do sense that something has changed in her. What she was saying to me, her body language, the look in her eyes all tell me that she is starting or has finally realized that her behavior is not in line with her moral compass. I also think that she has gone NC with the OM...at least for the time being.

I'm not naive to think that 2 days of this new personality means she is back to normal and I know she could revert back to WW in an instant. Although, this could be a turning point where she is slowly drawn out of the fog. This doesn't mean she loves me or has any desire to work on the MR, but it could mean that she starts returning to live a life of higher moral character. I also need to keep my hopes in check as I realize this could be a short-term plea for emotional support as she is coping with the death of her friend's spouse.