I am still thinking through the concepts of PSO and ignoring red flags. It seems like PSO doesn't involve ignorance but just relegates the other person's flaws/issues to something that is relatively inconsequential because you are feeling so good about the R. The good outweighs the bad by a lot.
As long as your spouse's pre-existing negative behavior doesn't change too much for the worse or their positive behavior stops, aka you are dealing with pretty much the same person and issues as early on in the R, then staying in PSO seems very doable and if you are out of PSO then getting back to it might not be too hard. The passage of time can certainly be a big factor in someone getting back into PSO. Looking back at the past through the rose-colored glasses of PSO seems kind of common. I have reinitiated R's in my past after some time and distance, where I was the one who ended things, because I saw things more clearly after some time and distance. I got back into PSO.
When someone's behavior gets worse, as in my case with my W's attacks, criticisms, snide comments, etc. - this can easily push you into NSO and that is huge trouble for the R. I was and still am in NSO regarding W. And she has been in NSO as to me for a looong time. I can do no right, basically. W can't even state why she married me.
I am still figuring things out but it feels like my being in NSO, while damaging to the R, is grounded in some really bad behavior by W that systematically killed my attraction to her and desire to even be around her. Who wants to be close to someone who always seems to have a poison dart firing at you?
I am working on getting out of NSO and just viewing things without that bias. All that really means for me is that I will be able to better acknowledge W's positive qualities despite her flaws. It will not wash away her flaws or make them less severe, they are bad and toxic and she needs a lot of work, and I am doubtful to ever get back into PSO without major change, but at least I will be out of NSO and find my equilibrium.
Kind of went down a rabbit hole there, and this thought process is playing waaay in the background as my new house, kids, career and GAL activities dominate the forefront. I am 9 months post BD and excited about the future.
