Curtis - I agree with the others about misinterpreting your W's words and actions. I agree that supporting her through a difficult time is okay, but don't look for things that aren't there.

Regarding the boundary and control, MWD herself has an opinion! I heard this on a podcast where she was interviewed. In this case, she was talking about teenagers being sneaky (using it as an analogy for cheaters).

If you go to a teenage child and say "You are being sneaky, I am going to check your phone every day and I want to know what you are doing and who you are texting"... what are they going to do? They are going to go deeper underground. They will install apps that delete texts. They will get extra sneaky. And you will lose trust. Or they will abide by the rules but they will feel controlled and have resentment. In that case you trust them more, but at what price?

Your W is following your rules, but at what price?

Originally Posted by curtis7
the boundary was not to control her, it was to protect myself. I went through hell when she was living with me and contacting OM in front of me. I was willing to help out the other family, but not willing to put up with crap that affects my emotions. The result, she has respected my boundary and left her phone in the car the past two nights.

Curtis I am really sorry you are going through what you are going through. I can't imagine the pain of dealing with your W's choices and actions. I don't know how I would handle or tolerate your situation, and I feel a bit guilty giving you advice on something I don't have experience myself with. I know I would have intense jealousy for one.

However... I do have experience with emotional awareness and regulation. "Crap that affects my emotions" - of course it affects your emotions. Explore this -- do you feel like your W "makes" you feel a certain way? If so, you have given control of your emotions over to your W, and even worse, by adopting the attitude that your emotions are at the whim of another person, you will struggle to regain your emotional balance because you aren't putting in the hard work to achieve it.

I think Steve85 and other vets here are trying to give you advice on appropriate boundaries that work for situations like yours. They have been through the trials by fire. I'm not going to give you a hard time about the boundary you set because I do understand where you are coming from. You don't want your W flaunting things in your face. It triggers you. I get it. I'm just nudging you towards being able to handle these things with more emotional equanimity.