I hijacked your thread here but I really just wanted to share how I am trying to approach things. I'm trying to zero in on the changes I'd like to see in myself, and secondarily, the changes I would like to see in my W if we are to work things out. It is a very helpful exercise for me to think about the issues I would like to see my W resolve... it takes back some of the power I have unhealthily granted her as a NG.
Again sorry for the hijack but I am thinking about this stuff a lot lately and how to push through it. If you hit on anything that is working for you, I'd love to hear about it! Meditation started really clicking for me this week, in a way it never has even though I have dabbled for years.
No, I appreciate it - and you're right, we're birds of the same feather. I'm also trained as an engineer and work in tech, so I'm very much of the mindset of "do x, observe y change"; that just isn't how relationships work, and most certainly not in our cases right now.
I went through some passages that I highlighted in DB and NMMNG tonight and now I'm feeling a bit better. Right now I'm far too outcome-oriented, namely that of working on the MR and moving towards reconciliation with WAW. If that's my focus, then consciously or subconsciously I'm going to do things to affect change towards that goal, and be emotionally upset when I don't see any movement.
Unfortunately for the both of us, we're at the hardest step: giving space while not giving up. We need to repeat it until we're blue in the face - we can only control our destiny, we are responsible for our own happiness, we are the agents of creating the life that we want. This requires effort, assistance (meditation, IC, posting her for support, etc.) and time, but I have confidence that these are mindsets that will become second nature provided we stick with it.
In the meantime, I think the best place is to own and accept the confusion as a part of the healing and growth processes. We've been through emotional trauma and we're doing a hard reset on the things we've always known and the patterns we've always used to get by.
Put another way: if I take five steps forward and two steps back this week, that's not cause to beat myself up for the two missteps, it's cause to acknowledge the overall three steps I've headed in the right direction. That applies to all of us.
MC tomorrow, and I'm sure another hour at a coffee shop to drill into finances and work together on a separation agreement at some point this week. One day at a time.
