Got a bunch of emails regarding date swaps with S1, mediator comparisons and what works for us with scheduling. Replied back short and concise. Tonight is my night with S1. She wanted to discuss those things with me when I got home, so I waited for her to initiate. Watched S1 and threw in my ear phones and started jamming. She mentioned she wanted to go over those things. So I gave her my attention. We talking about MOU'S lawyers, the process, rates, redi, time i need, etc. She could tell I was detached after she could sense I was ok with divorce, initiating it, etc. She could tell this time I was ok with it all, and just wanted to get down to business as soon as possible. She can tell now im indifferent, lost in my music, and my own world. Getting ready for my next band practice. , etc. She knows once she can't emotionally affect me, she has lost me.
Then a few funny things happened. She orders me Chinese for dinner. I accept. Then she started asking me about S1 and week end upstate and what was going on up there last weekend. (S1 and Bro and I had a great time hiking riding quads, etc.) I only took off my ear phones only when she had a question, otherwise paid her no mind. Then on my night tonight she decided to go for ice cream, puts on perfume, takes S1 with her, and asks me if I want to come? I politefully decline.
Its weird. Im totally cool with this right now. I don't want her back, I can't go back. I won't go back unless it's on my terms from all the damage caused. I look forward everyday to get settled in my place in a few months and jammin, Getting back into great routines, etc. I doubt she will ever look back, but if she ever does. Its going to be on my terms for all the selfishness I have had to bear witness to the last 10 months, with all accountability on me and none on her. A part if me is sad, but glad at the same time to be losing her, because mistakes and all I've made, I still know my worth to me. We'll see? Time will tell. Ill keep everyone posted on the mediation proceedings and divorce proceedings to come. Cany wait for ny next band practice.
