It's in these moments when I feel the most mentally weak and my thoughts go to really dark places: is she happy on her own? Does she miss me at all?
Yup, we feel detached most of the time, then have these moments where we realize how far away we really are. I was feeling pretty low yesterday myself.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I know I can only control my own actions and thoughts, so that's what I'm trying to focus on. But it does feel very contradictory at times: NMMNG would say to set boundaries and not allow yourself to be walked on, DB would say to remove all pressure. Doing a 180 would have me make sure I'm there for her when she needs it and show that I can be reliable and responsible, DB would say to detach and GAL.
It's very confusing. I'm only one month in, so I'm allowing myself to feel that confusion, and sadness that we're at this point.
My take is that all these various programs provide some nice frameworks or guidelines with which to approach a situation. In particular when we are hopelessly struggling and need a lifeline. At some point, we need to graduate from school and fully integrate these lessons. In these parts we call this AMOAFWL.
What is AMOAFWL? I would say it's a fully self-differentiated man, confident he can handle any situation, confident in all aspects of himself - emotional, spiritual, mental, physical. Just able to handle whatever comes his way. Unafraid to state his needs, not dependent on others to meet them.
AMOAFWL does not ask "Does this follow Rule #32? And does that conflict with NMMNG advice?" He just knows at a very deep level what to do, without needing to ruminate.
I am an engineer by training. We learn the rules and equations in school. Everything is ordered. Then we go out in real life and have to apply this knowledge. There are ALL KINDS of exceptions, and times where one rule should be used instead of another. And it all comes down to experience and instinct a lot of the time.
This is all a long-winded way of saying I understand what you mean. The confusion is a good thing. You are trying to absorb all these different lessons but they are confusing and conflicting.
For instance, I went to MC today and unloaded some emotional baggage. Here is how I would evaluate my actions along the different axes:
- NMMNG (+): Great. Admit to past issues, how I have changed, set boundaries, be assertive, no expectations. - DB (-): Terrible. Made myself vulnerable. Added pressure by sharing feelings. - 180 (+): Sharing feelings without becoming overly emotional is a positive change.
So depending how I view things, I either made a huge mistake, had a triumphant breakthrough, or somewhere in between. The fact is... it doesn't really matter. I can feel the internal progress that I am making, I know I will be better off in a future relationship, whether with my W or somebody new. And most importantly, I had zero expectations about how my W would react, and would have been okay with any reaction.
The one thing I did not do is bring up "I want to work on the MR" which would have been unnecessary pressure I think.
One other thing that has helped me a lot is simplifying things. I have a simple list in my head -- here are my 3 primary issues, here are the 3 primary issues I think my W has that contributed to our MR failure. Any more than 3 feels like complaining, and unrealistic to fix. Then I try to work on a plan to work on those issues:
Me: 1. Fear of losing the relationship (NMMNG, classic DB begging/pleading behavior) 2. Lack of emotional awareness and regulation (again NMMNG) 3. Handing over power of my own happiness to another person (ditto)
W: 1. Communication: Withholding resentment then performing a toxic dump and retreating 2. Conflict resolution: Not willing to work together to problem-solve when issues arise 3. Trust and intimacy (long-term, no way to work on these short-term)
That's it. Fix all 6 of those things and I think we can have a happy MR 2.0. I know I'm going to work on my Top 3. My W - well, if she doesn't, I don't really think it will work out anyways. As of now I think she is blind to her contribution.
Now I've identified the Top 3, what am I going to do about them? Lots of meditation and working on making myself happy. (Nobody can be happy with me if I'm not happy myself). Hey wait... that's what GAL is! And PMA! Exactly! GAL and PMA are generic prescriptions, we force ourselves at first because we are clueless, desperate LBS's. Then at some point, GAL and PMA should become automatic because we recognize the benefit, and we start to tailor our GAL/PMA choices individually. I've learned I like woodworking, I like the sense of accomplishment. Going for a walk - yeah it's okay, not as good for me.
I hijacked your thread here but I really just wanted to share how I am trying to approach things. I'm trying to zero in on the changes I'd like to see in myself, and secondarily, the changes I would like to see in my W if we are to work things out. It is a very helpful exercise for me to think about the issues I would like to see my W resolve... it takes back some of the power I have unhealthily granted her as a NG.
Again sorry for the hijack but I am thinking about this stuff a lot lately and how to push through it. If you hit on anything that is working for you, I'd love to hear about it! Meditation started really clicking for me this week, in a way it never has even though I have dabbled for years.
