Felt more down today than I've felt in a few weeks now. Nothing precipitated it - in fact, I had a good weekend of working out, seeing friends, and generally doing my thing. I think maybe some things that I was avoiding internalizing are starting to sink in: this is still the first mile of a marathon, WAW is moved out and living an independent life, and things will never be the way they were. Conceptually I knew all of those things, but they're definitely hitting me harder as of late.
MC tomorrow, and for those who haven't been following, we've been in touch weekly to discuss logistics and finances. All very pleasant and cordial, all initiated by her and professional/friendly from me.
Not that I want to keep throwing blame on myself, but I think a large part of how I'm feeling is that all of that cordialness and all of the rapport we easily fall into when we do meet just leaves me going back home, just as unsure as ever as what's next. It's in these moments when I feel the most mentally weak and my thoughts go to really dark places: is she happy on her own? Does she miss me at all?
I know I can only control my own actions and thoughts, so that's what I'm trying to focus on. But it does feel very contradictory at times: NMMNG would say to set boundaries and not allow yourself to be walked on, DB would say to remove all pressure. Doing a 180 would have me make sure I'm there for her when she needs it and show that I can be reliable and responsible, DB would say to detach and GAL.
It's very confusing. I'm only one month in, so I'm allowing myself to feel that confusion, and sadness that we're at this point.
