Maybe I know what to do 5

[LH19]

It’s too late now but for all the newbies reading. Never ever ever make statements like “I will always be there for you”.

Translation: I can go try out other guys for size and if all fails I can come running back to you.

[TBSakaJ9]

Ohh ok. Thanks. The support is actively listening. So validation is a form of support?

Winner Winner!!!!!! Women just want you to listen and be present. By being present I mean if she is talking your not multi-tasking, texting on your phone, surfing the Internet or playing video games. When she is talking it is just you sitting or standing there watching her, looking at her, giving her your un-divided attention. If you can't in the moment then just let her know you would love to listen but you need 5 minutes.

There is nothing else you need to say, it doesn't matter. It is moot. Move forward.

No you did not DB too quickly. You need to start though as it has been two months.

She needs to see a different OZ because the one that was showing up is not working for her.

[SteveLW]

What about things I said or didn’t say night of BD. Does it matter. Is there something I should say now. Like an actual well though out apology for my part in our failing M. Or is everting I said that might actually moot

HECK NO you shouldn't do this. No R talks means NO R TALKS!

And did I start DBing too quickly? Like I was going along with her “unhappiness” and ok just being her friend forever

No such think ozman, In fact, if LBSs would start DBing the second they get BD'd, they would be way better off, regardless of what happens to their MR.

See ozman, you struggle because you are still trying to save your marriage. That is out of your control. (Because it takes two to make a marriage and you can't control her.) You need to start trying to save yourself.

[AnotherStander]

And did I start DBing too quickly?

No, you didn't start soon enough. Just like the rest of us. DB'ing should start the millisecond after BD. I have a few friends that DB'd naturally, it was instinct to them just like begging and pleading and negotiating is instinct for the rest of us. Their recons happened faster, I'm convinced that's why.

I just want to play the best hand I can in the meantime

You do? OK then try this:

1. Quit posting here for 2 days.
2. Go out and do 2 GAL activities that you've never tried before.

Hint- GAL DOES NOT involve W, asking about W, asking for advice about W, telling someone what W did/ said and asking what it means, telling someone what you are going to do next and asking how W will interpret that, doing something and asking if it's good DB'ing and how soon W will respond to it, describing something that W did not do and asking what it means, talking about whether W is friendzoning you, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

STOP TALKING ABOUT W!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! Get out. GAL. Enough with the "I live so far from anything" excuses, and the "oh I'm too busy farming" junk. I come here every few days and there are TEN PAGES of new posts in your thread in that time. If you've got that kind of time on your hands then you can surely carve some time out of this place and go GAL.

Why do I keep harping on this? Because when you get out and GAL you will QUIT THINKING about W. You will REFOCUS onto your own life, which is critical for your recovery.

Right now you are fooling yourself into thinking you're progressing. You're not, you're stuck in the exact same repeating pattern that I've posted about before. Break free, YOU have the power to do so.

[ozman]

LH : ya I kinda screwed the pooch there. I actually said “I’ll always be there for you. Even if it’s 10 years from now and you have a husband and kids and you need somebody to talk to”. (Slapping myself in the face very hard)

TB : chicken dinner!! I’m becoming a new Oz. That’s all she is gonna see

Steve: ok thanks. That darn rope is REALLY hard to let go of. But something did click. But you are right. It’s like I’m covertly still trying to save my M. Bet she can still smell the stench too. It’s like I’m actually sabotaging all the slack she has given me by still pressuring a little. She hasn’t moved anything forward I should feel lucky

I can’t control her (repeating in head 1000 times)

AS: alright. I’m on it. Thank you. I’m gonna GAL. I won’t post on here unless something very significant happens. Or to tell you about an awesome GAL I did with nothing else attached for the next 2 days

Thanks guys

Ps: is most of the save your M after BD on the internet a load of crap?

[LH19]

YES!!!!! To the last question.

[SteveLW]

The save your marriage stuff is a flashy marketing slogan that gets recently BD'd folks to click on a link.

I used this myself with this thread:

The secret to saving your marriage is in here! <click me>

[SoTorn]

Yes to your last question, its a load of crap. Most marriages that go through what we went through fail. My MR went down like the Hindenburg.

[ozman]

Ok thanks guys.

I really hope to get her back.

But I can’t control her.

So I will just keep hope.

And control what I can control

See ya here in a couple days

[Ready2Change]

OK then try this:

1. Quit posting here for 2 days.
2. Go out and do 2 GAL activities that you've never tried before.

Hint- GAL DOES NOT involve W, asking about W, asking for advice about W, telling someone what W did/ said and asking what it means, telling someone what you are going to do next and asking how W will interpret that, doing something and asking if it's good DB'ing and how soon W will respond to it, describing something that W did not do and asking what it means, talking about whether W is friendzoning you, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

STOP TALKING ABOUT W!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! Get out. GAL. Enough with the "I live so far from anything" excuses, and the "oh I'm too busy farming" junk. I come here every few days and there are TEN PAGES of new posts in your thread in that time. If you've got that kind of time on your hands then you can surely carve some time out of this place and go GAL.

This is #1 in your list. ( Since I am away, I am not sure if you got the prioritized list done)





W:"What are you thinking about?"
H:"I am concerned about our finances and trying to decided how to proceed. Do you have any thoughts?"


is different than

W:"What are you thinking about?"
H:"I am sad that you don't love me anymore. I wish we could just work this out by talking"

Do you understand this?



R2C:"OZ, what are you thinking about?"

List out all the real things you are thinking about. Then cross off the ones not to say to her.