is that what would make her take me out if the FZ?
You can't make her do anything. You control you. She controls her.
Originally Posted by ozman
Hopefully she notices. Maybe she won’t.
Right!
Originally Posted by ozman
But the hard rule is let her make the first move on EVERYTHING ? Absolutely everything. From a light touch to the big stuff. She makes the first move right?
I'd avoid extremes. If she initiates an action 3 days in a row, I'd says it's clearly welcome, so if it's an action you enjoy feel safe initiating 50% of the time without being needy or feeling like you're pressuring her.
Originally Posted by ozman
Talking about R talking about future. Everything right?
Except R talk. I know you want to bring that up. Let her drive that. :p
Very serious question. I was reading on another website about MWD LRT success stories. Something they said very bluntly is don’t LRT to early. It is for last resort.
You are supposed to have tried everything else first. I never even really tried. I just said I think we could fix this the night of BD and she said I don’t know if I want to work on it. Then about a week I stayed at work till almost bed time and still said ILY which she would only respond about 1/3 rd of the time. Then I started DBing.
Just wanted to make sure that I shouldn’t have tried harder to talk things out right after BD. Cause that night I told her if it was over than it was over and we had a great run but I thought we should try. But either way I would always be her friend.
Like I said earlier I am focused on me now. I just want to be sure she doesn’t think I’m pushing her away because of how I handled BD.
It comes back to your confidence and self-esteem. Work on you. It's not about all of a sudden turning yourself into super dad or Mr. Mom. It's about you pulling your own weight and certainly being the best father you can be but not to the point to where you are doing everything. Only you know the areas that you need to improve on.
You can make a move on anything. Just not the first move on touching, sexual advances or R talk. If she wants to have sex with you then have sex, just don't get all emotional because of it and let that digress into you turning into Mr. Melty Man and crying, etc. Everyone needs a release so just take it for what it is worth. You got some a$$ so keep it moving.
Buy some new clothes, cologne, get in shape, hobbies, interests, get a life outside of your home. New hair cut. Change up your routine. Be happy, pleasant, polite. Don't be depressed, sad, angry, mopey, wimpy, etc. Don't pepper her with questions. When she talks listen and validate. She is not your therapist or as LH would like to say your emotional tampon.
If you're hungry and want to go to Sonic invite her. If she doesn't want to go then go yourself or take your son for a milkshake. Meet some buddies after work for a beer and shoot some pool. Discover some new music. Treat yourself to the extent you can.
Doing the same things will get you the same results.
Time is ticking....you have to get moving and stop all of the analyzing.
Very serious question. I was reading on another website about MWD LRT success stories. Something they said very bluntly is don’t LRT to early. It is for last resort.
Correct--from what I know of LRT and your situation, that wouldn't be the right tool. You don't meet the criteria laid out by the author. What you keep hearing is "GAL!", "IC!", "180s!" and I believe Sandi said "Don't LRT!" and pointed out LRT'd be difficult while living together and sharing an autistic son.
Originally Posted by "LRT Preconditions"
= Your spouse has said to you in no uncertain terms that s/he wants to get a divorce and it appears as if s/he really means it. It wasn’t just said in the heat of battle. = You and your spouse are separated physically. = You and your spouse still live together but have very little to do with each other. You may be sleeping in separate rooms, have virtually no communication, and little or no sexual contact. = Your spouse has filed for divorce
Originally Posted by ozman
I shouldn’t have tried harder to talk things out right after BD.
To clarify, the goal of avoiding pressuring her with R talk isn't just a LRT thing!!
I told you a couple of days ago that you were not in LRT. You are not even doing in-house separation and your wife has not done anything to push what she has said forward. You have been told she is vulnerable but you continue to analyze. When are you going to start taking action on yourself?
I feel like we are having to repeat ourselves multiple times.
You can't talk her into having sex with you again. You can't talk her into feeling in love with you again.
Actions Actions Actions!!!
Your W is missing some emotional connection with you. Usually it stems from a lack of communication and a lack of her feeling as though you are present and actively contributing to the home. Again you just can't wake up, go to work, come home, and sit on the couch, then go to bed.. Support your W, listen to your W, validate your W, give your W your undivided attention. Be present when you are at home.
From what I understand there are 2 different LRTs Going dark is what you guys are talking about and I’m talking about what’s in the book.
What you guys are telling me to do now is LRT in the book. I’m asking if I started LRT too quickly. After I told her at BD if we are done then we are done?
I’m not analyzing her at all. I’ll analyzing myself. Making sure I took and am taking the right steps. Like I said I’m actually READY to work on me. I’m EXCITED about working on me. I’ve realized I can’t coax her back. Everything you guys have said has sunk in
I’m just trying to figure out if there was something I should have said at BD that I didn’t that needs said now. Or. If I started Bding so quickly that she thinks it’s ok that we are just friends because of what I said BD night
I have also read a lot of sitches on here where the friend zone was where guy was and he was such a good friend that W finally came back
I’m going to work on me. Believe that. I just want to play my cards right in the meantime
There is going to be a fine balance to supporting W and listening to W and GAL. I have to find it
There is going to be a fine balance to supporting W and listening to W and GAL. How do I support her and DB at the same time?
Me: "I'm going to do that trip as a group trip." Her: "I don't like group trips." Me: <Actively listening to the reasons she doesn't like group trips for 5 minutes> Her: "Why do you like group trips?" Me: <Explaining why I enjoy leading group trips for 5 minutes.> ... Me: "Well, I hope you come, it's going to be fun!"
You cut the balance by listening and trying to understand her, validating her, and dropping persuasion. And then go do your GAL activity! I'm open to her joining, or not joining, but I'm going to do my GAL.
On the FZ thing and getting out of it. How does that mix with DBing? Like when you say “getting out of the R all together” do you mean just ending it for good and getting Dd?
Or does it mean I am just DBing so hard and GALing like crazy and there is no time for R unless she wants one?
Or is that what would make her take me out if the FZ?
I just would like a little clarification on that please.
Either way I’m really excited about my breakthrough this weekend. I don’t know what changed inside. But something did. I’m really excited to feel a little growth. I’m actually READY to work on myself
It means walking away from the MR because you refuse to be in the FZ with your W.
This is hard for newbies to understand is that sometimes you have to D to R. It happens more than you would think. Now I am not telling you that you should be to that point yet. Your sitch ain't 2 months old! So give it time and patience. The overall point is that there is nothing ou can do to make her take you out of the FZ. Nothing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ohh ok. Thanks. The support is actively listening. So validation is a form of support?
What about things I said or didn’t say night of BD. Does it matter. Is there something I should say now. Like an actual well though out apology for my part in our failing M. Or is everting I said that might actually moot
And did I start DBing too quickly? Like I was going along with her “unhappiness” and ok just being her friend forever
Like I said. I’m not analyzing her. I’m analyzing me. A switch really did flip inside my head. I get it. I can’t control her. I just want to play the best hand I can in the meantime
I see Steve. Thank you. I’m not ready to D yet so I guess the FZ is where I am for now. Thanks for the input. I guess I’ll just be the best me I can and hope she changes her view of me
