Separated and sorting through the mess

[unchien]

Thanks IW.

There are boundaries and needs. I would like to be working on the MR. I would like to avoid going to MC long-term with no concrete goal in mind.

It is hard for me to tell what is a boundary and what is a need here.

I feel like I'm trying to talk up courage to take a harder stance, but still doubting myself. For the meantime I will continue to go to MC and at least be more assertive about my position - there is really no point going to MC with a "no pressure" attitude because the dynamic shifts very much to one side. I've learned that the hard way in the past.

Here are some questions I ask myself before I set a boundary:

1. Is it necessary?

Choosing your battles is a big part of all of our situations. If we go off setting boundaries everywhere and waiting for others to trip them - it's like living in a minefield. And it just sets us up for way more hurt.

Good question. If and when I do feel like we are not working on the MR in MC, I think it is necessary to avoid wasting my time, money, and emotional energy. That does not mean I have to stop standing for my MR.

2. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I sure that I need to set this boundary to protect myself? Or am I doing it to "get back at" or retaliate against my S?

Something LB pointed out to me last week. This is a hard one when I am hurting. The need to defend oneself.

This is where "ego" comes in to play. The ego is enormous in all of us. That's where hurt, pain, and the saying "I can't believe she/he would do this to me" comes into effect. I have struggled mightily with this one. I think all of us do. Realizing we do it is a huge step out of our own worlds and into a different perspective.

I do not feel like it is retaliatory to say "I want to work on the MR in MC". I am meditating a lot and trying to have the proper state of mind to really explore my subconscious motivations. I know we LBS's fool ourselves all the time, so it is possible I do have some anger driving this. Need to reflect more.

3. Am I willing to enforce it? Am I sure that this important enough to risk drastic change?

A boundary is useless if we aren't willing to enforce it. It makes us look ineffective and weak at a time where we need to appear calm, collected and confident in our decision making abilities.

For MC, it would be fairly straightforward to enforce -- stop going. But you are right that I should not set the boundary until I am actually prepared to enforce it. I don't think I am ready today for instance.

4. Is it the right time?

Knowing when to state a boundary is probably the trickiest part of setting one. I have chosen to remove all pressure from W - and she knows she can come talk to me when she is ready.

Requires a lot of patience and humility. It also invites a lot of doubt on my part. But that comes with the decision to stand - so I deal with it as best i can.

EXACTLY. The MC issue timing is tough. Things feel so fluid. We talk a lot about co-parenting. It is both useful and frustrating at the same time - useful for our logistics, frustrating because this is not what I want.

I guess for now I will keep my same approach - I'm going to stop being meek and quiet, I am gong to tell my side of the story in MC, and hope we can start digging through things. I am doubtful, but either way it would be a huge mistake for me to hold back on my feelings at this point.

Whether to continue with MC, stop, etc.... I just don't know. Now is clearly the wrong time to decide.