Rick, sorry you are here, this is a miserable thing to go through but don't give up hope!
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I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.
Since then, shes been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday thru Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. Shes sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.
OK so first I'm assuming that since you found DBing and a coach that you know not to do anymore of the crying/ begging/ pleading. We all did it at first so don't worry about it, but no more. If you need to cry then cry, but do it in private. I cried all the way to work and home every day for who knows how long. Second, normal behavior is good! So many here deal with a WAS that has gone completely off the rails, and that can make things even more miserable. Friendzone and "no emotional connection" are par, it will hopefully change with time but it's going to take a while. Try not to spend too much time with her, it'll be tempting but she does need time and space to process things.
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I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.
Good. No pressure!
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One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids.
I know it's tempting to do a 180 on that, but now isn't the time. If you start working on things later then you can consider that, but for now no dates or anything, that's all pressure.
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3rd and final secession, fine tuned the apology letter and told me to give it to her when I felt things were going good. Not sure if the friend stage we're at is when I should or not or do I wait until I see changes in her that looks like she's having a change of heart. Also to continue validation/empathy. And to write down situations, what I did that work and what didn't.
The coaches are great and it sounds like you are getting some excellent advice. I agree with Cadet on the letter though, now isn't the time. Many of us wrote such letters early on and gave it to our WAS only to get zero response. The thing is, your W is just as complicit in the marriage falling apart as you, but in her eyes it's all your fault. If you write a letter accepting all the blame it just validates her belief that you are the problem and she needs to leave and find someone else. With time she will start to remember things more clearly. She'll remember that things weren't so bad after all and in fact were pretty good, and she'll learn to miss you. But until then you have to give her lots of time and space.
