I would counter that if you're standing for the M, there would be no deadline. I have none. This takes the time it takes. I didnt want the MR to end, my W effectively ended it because she is in a MLC or depression or WAW mindset or whatever the hell you want to call it.
I did get a few peeks inside my W's mind over the arguments and fights last year. It's why I dont ask anymore, why I removed all pressure (i still screw up from time to time but it's really rare now). It is absolute chaos inside her head right now. I would bet it's like that inside your Ws head too.
IW - I have to say thank you for spurring a lot of introspection on my side.
On the one hand, removing pressure allows our WAS to make decisions on their own. Pressure will almost always push them out the door.
On the other hand, part of DB is about self-differentiation, understanding your own needs, and standing up for yourself (NMMNG). Setting boundaries.
So perhaps the way to view some of these decision is: Am I setting a healthy boundary, or am I unnecessarily adding pressure?
And for this timeline decision... I'm not sure what is the right answer. It feels somewhere in between. The nice thing is that I can make this decision at any time, I do not have a deadline.
I was about to end the post... and then I thought more. It gets complicated. So many thoughts swirling around, I need to let them settle. Pressure, NGS, boundaries, walking my path - things are not so clear sometimes. "I am not willing to go back to the old MR" - did I add pressure, or did I resolve NGS, or am I just walking my path? My W seems to think I am enjoying the S, that this is somehow all my idea -- do I just let that slide, or be vocal that I did not want this but I am going to GAL and have a PMA regardless?
I don't know... I'm stuck here. Will have to think more.
Here are some questions I ask myself before I set a boundary:
1. Is it necessary?
Choosing your battles is a big part of all of our situations. If we go off setting boundaries everywhere and waiting for others to trip them - it's like living in a minefield. And it just sets us up for way more hurt.
2. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I sure that I need to set this boundary to protect myself? Or am I doing it to "get back at" or retaliate against my S?
Something LB pointed out to me last week. This is a hard one when I am hurting. The need to defend oneself.
This is where "ego" comes in to play. The ego is enormous in all of us. That's where hurt, pain, and the saying "I can't believe she/he would do this to me" comes into effect. I have struggled mightily with this one. I think all of us do. Realizing we do it is a huge step out of our own worlds and into a different perspective.
3. Am I willing to enforce it? Am I sure that this important enough to risk drastic change?
A boundary is useless if we aren't willing to enforce it. It makes us look ineffective and weak at a time where we need to appear calm, collected and confident in our decision making abilities.
