H’s suspended license jumped off the page at me. I understand why you told him all the rest, it probably felt good to get it off your chest. However, he is in crisis, and won’t listen. job’s short and to the point message regarding not using the car is a good suggestion.
It is wonderful that S14 has got a bit of work and something constructive to do. We men like to build things, almost as much as demolishing things. We are just big kids sometimes, ok maybe a bit more than sometimes. This job sounds like it will feed right in to him.
I will reiterate, it is great that S14 is talking to you. Even about topics that almost knock you over. This is good stuff. Imagine if he wasn’t talking. Porn addiction, drugs, sex, alcohol, and so on - yep difficult conversations. You can gently steer him a bit, guide him, and most important just be there and listen.
It is ok to not know the answer. You can, and should, tell him that. “Hmmm, S14, I’m not sure. Let me think about that and we can talk about it more tomorrow night.” That works pretty well. Kids feel heard, and acknowledged; and you get time to gather your thoughts, calm yourself, look up resources, and figure out what you actually want to say.
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I am hesitant about the following thoughts concerning victimhood, I wish to share. It’s the timing. I was reading and catching up, and I see you have taken a good size step forward. My thoughts and suggestions formed not knowing of your progress. I’m not wanting to jump all over you, or your situation.
After some deliberation I decided to post.
Yesterday, in the blazing heat, I was riding around mowing my grass. Hours of peaceful solitude, a constructive job, and a calm mind. The tall trees, which have stood far longer than I have been around, cast shadows of relief from the heat. A beautiful connection to nature, a connection to something, happens under these giants.
You and your situation was on my mind. As well as others here and in real life. When I write, I see myself speaking with just you, and only you; or whomever’s thread I am on. I do know that many people read along, however for the most part it is just you and me, two cups of coffee, sugar and heavy cream.
Gerda, I’ve been trying (not doing, so yes predisposed myself to failure) to figure out what I am attempting to get across. What got me from where you are now, to where I am now - in regard to victim mentality. And like has happen so many times, not looking provided the insight I was seeking. The trees, and their shadows provided relief and not just from the heat. I actually stopped the mower, when blanketed by the biggest tree, and listened as thoughts and feelings flooded in.
Your victimhood. There is some, no doubt; and you are pushing it back. The recent standing up to H about the car is an example. You have stood up to him times before regarding the car as well. And many other things too.
It is not victim mentality that has you stuck, it is martyr. They are closely tied. I believe that one progresses from victim, to martyr, to free.
I’ve suffered in both - victimhood and martyrdom. I found victimhood is darker, more painful, and I was less in control. Martyrdom had similar victim traits, it was just based more on self punishment or penance; I kept myself tied to it, and it was a lot harder to let go of.
You spoke of doing things to show how good a person you are. To show H, your kids, the courts - to show God. To suffer enough to become healed and good.
Gerda, listen very carefully. You are a good person. You are walking in the light. God knows you are good.
So, what did I learn under the long graceful arms of those trees?
When I was exhibiting martyr thinking, I would’ve died for what I believe in. I would accept punishment for my faith, my beliefs. I felt that it was somehow required. Everyday, I died a little more. Punished a little more.
It’s easy to die for what you believe in. The big step - Living for what you believe in.
Living is so much better!
Gerda, you already walk in the light. Now, live in the light. Live your life. Let go of the idea of needing to show how good you are. You are good - just live it.
Almost nothing changes and everything changes when you let go. You live the faith, a good life, without the penance or punishment. It is sincere, authentic, gentle, and peaceful.
Your struggles with the “impossible” choices. Your faith and moulding it to your situation. Things you would die for. Living for them doesn’t change them or lose them. It strengthens the very things you are holding so tightly.
You know the light. Let go and live it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This job sounds like it will feed right in to him. 
