I did call but I didn’t ask where she was, who she was with or when she would be home. I just said hey I’m turning in just wanted to make sure your ok. She said ya she was just still visiting with her friend and her husband and she was gonna leave soon. She didn’t sound irritated or anything
Sandi, ive read DR. when MWD lays out what will happen when you start LRT she says one of three things will happen. 1 nothing (it’s over and there is nothing you can do) 2 slow steady improvement 3 it’s rare but spouse comes screaming back like nothing ever happened
I feel firmly in number 2. We have made lots of progress. Enough that several times I have almost expected and ILY or something physical. She has opened up Emotionally some. Which she refused to do before. It’s in this area I would really like to help her. I don’t want to smother her. But if she starts to lean on me. I don’t want to walk off and let her fall I really think she is a WAW and MLC. I would like to bring up something helpful for her when she asks about what I’m thinking.
I’ve been run over by a vehicle, I’ve been in a car crash so bad cops said they don’t know how anybody survived. I’ve had all the skin burned off my stomach. I’ve had cancer I have autism. My teeth were brown when I was born. I have a 1 in a million disease in my eyes.
All of these things. I have fought. HARD. I have overcome them all by doing something. That’s why this is difficult.
On my illness insecurity, W did bring it up to ask when my MRI was. I cheerfully told her the date. (Wed sept 4) and said nothing more. Kinda a victory for me
When she opens up about what’s getting her down and I listen and validate as best I can. 30 min later when she asks wahat are you thinking about. I’d like to give a reply with some substance but I’m never sure what to say.
She is searching for a connection. If she tries to connect with me and I’m out doing my own thing and talking about myself. That scares me. I’ve always been a touch selfish. But I want to 180 that.
Well, when she asks you what you are thinking about, what are you thinking about?
If it's something about work, or about your son, or about a GAL activity, or about something you heard on the radio or saw on your drive to work--those are all things you can share with her.
If the answer is "stewing over whether you are having an affair"--no, don't say that.
But there's not reason not to talk about what you are thinking about if it's normal life stuff and not relationship stuff.
You build connection by listening when she talks, validating, expressing interest in what she is saying.
She's not expecting you to spend all your free time thinking about her problems. Those are her problems, not yours.
(Now, if there are joint problems--things having to do with son or finances or housework--where you should be helping to address the problem because it belongs to both of you, then you should be taking action.)
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
She has opened up Emotionally some. Which she refused to do before. It’s in this area I would really like to help her. I don’t want to smother her. But if she starts to lean on me. I don’t want to walk off and let her fall I really think she is a WAW and MLC. I would like to bring up something helpful for her when she asks about what I’m thinking.
Stop jumping to the opposite end of the spectrum. If she asks for your opinion, then give it. Otherwise, validate and listen. Women usually want their H to listen and validate. If she really wants his help, she'll ask. I think this is more of what Oz is wanting to do, rather than the W.
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When she opens up about what’s getting her down and I listen and validate as best I can. 30 min later when she asks wahat are you thinking about. I’d like to give a reply with some substance but I’m never sure what to say.
You are obsessing, b/c you continue to tell us this same thing. ^^^^^^^^^ Tell her you are thinking about what she told you. Maybe it's her way of trying to start a conversation. I know a person who begins every conversation by asking, "Is everything okay", almost implying there should be a problem. Maybe it's a habit she's developing, IDK.
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All of these things. I have fought. HARD. I have overcome them all by doing something. That’s why this is difficult.
Yes, but those were your battles with health issues. I applaud you for fighting to beat the odds. Sometimes we have to give the other person the right to fight through their personal issues. Support is doing something, IMHO. Keeping the mouth shut, is doing something. IMHO. Validating is doing something. Not pursuing is doing something. The problem here is that it is not enough to satisfy you. Well, that doesn't mean you need to pursue some action just b/c you want to "do something". Listen, you left out one important thing in these health battles you've face. Healing takes time.
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On my illness insecurity, W did bring it up to ask when my MRI was. I cheerfully told her the date. (Wed sept 4) and said nothing more. Kinda a victory for me
Great! A+ on your 180!!
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She is searching for a connection. If she tries to connect with me and I’m out doing my own thing and talking about myself.
OMG! Just stop it. You sound as if you want an excuse to stay home and hover over her, picking her brain, and pursuing her. You want to find an excuse to stop GAL........b/c she just might choose that time you're out to "connect" with you? Come on. You've been told to balance GAL with your responsibilities at home. Nobody has told you TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF! If your W wants to make a connection, she will. I think it's Oz who wants to make a connection.
Now, get off this merry-go-round cause it gets you nowhere. Find something else to fill you mind today.
What are your fun plans for this weekend?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oz, as I said in my last post, you are several threads in and you cycle back to the same things you said in thread#1. You are never going to move forward by constantly coming back to the same conclusion. We've told you over and over again that sometimes doing nothing IS doing something. Yet you continue to resist, buck, and be compulsive.
Here is what I see. You're going to embrace her being back. Your MR will go back to the way it was pre BD. And in 6 months you'll be back here with another BD struggling with the same things you have for the last month and a half.
Your W gave you the gift of time with BD and the ensuing limbo you've been in. If you'll use that to grow personally then you might just set yourself up for long-term marital success. If you do not grow then you are doomed to be BD'd again. And as someone who has been through it twice now, 12 years apart, each one gets progressively worse.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/28/1911:50 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve you are right. It hit me last night. I couldn’t sleep and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
She turned toward me in bed. (So what, that’s impressive after sleeping in the same bed for a decade( sarcasm))
All the niceness and cordial ness and being friendly means that there has been a little progress. But that’s it. I’m her mind she is probably still done. She is still waiting to exit. She is still typing in her phone a lot.
Can I change any of these things. NO!!
Can I change me? YES!!
She has given me the gift of change. I see clearly now most of my flaws as s man. Now I can correct them She has given me the gift of time by not just walking out the door yet. I need to make the most of it
I can’t prove or disprove an EA with whoever she is msging. So I’m done worrying about it
She doesn’t seem to be having a PA so I’m happy about that
There is no nicing her back or romance or anything like that.
I must shed all the crap that is weighing me down
If she had never BDd me. I would have never found the capacity to change
We don’t grow when we are comfortable. And this is crazy uncomfortable
I can’t change her mind. I can’t make her love me. I can’t make her not love somebody else. But I CAN love me. I can change my mind and my self. I can make myself AWESOME not just the guy she wants. But the guy ANY woman would want.
I can hope it’s her that likes the new awesome me and falls for me. But I have zero control over that so I’m done trying to change what I can’t control. I’ll just stick to hope. But expect nothing
Today is looking bright. I’ve actually got a smile on my face while typing this
Anyways. I’ve got 4 miles to pound out this morning.
Thanks sandi. And thank you Steve. Now I just have to commit my self to the above post. And think I have started accepting it. Now I just need to embrace it.
There still will be emotional ups and downs though right? It will still hurt sometimes and sometimes it will feel great?
Oh and run was awesome!! Fastest time yet. Need to shed about 10 more lbs and I’ll be lookin great
oz - Try this. Next time you feel worked up, just tell yourself STOP. No matter how strong the emotion, how jittery you feel, how badly you want to just do something, anything, to resolve it, just sit with it. Observe how it feels. Maybe it lasts 10 minutes, maybe 2 hours. I guarantee it will make you uncomfortable. Enjoy the discomfort. Notice how it feels. Notice that you are still breathing and still alive.
And when I say STOP I mean stop. Don't go talk to your W, don't jump up and burn off energy ... don't even come here and post to the forum.
Early in my sitch, I was having what I think were panic attacks a couple times a day. I was home alone, had nobody to talk to, I was miserable. I hadn't found DB yet. I thought I was having a heart attack many times. I was in complete meltdown.
Now? I recognize the anxiety. "Hey, that's anxiety, my old friend, how are you doing buddy? Kinda wish you weren't here, but pull up a chair I guess we're going to sit together for 30 minutes. And then I know you will get tired and eventually leave."
Emotional regulation is one of the greatest skills you can work on. It WILL transform your life. Take responsibility for working on your emotional regulation -- trust me, I started down this journey a few months ago and it feels amazing.
