New to this - need to talk

[DnJ]

Hello bpd

Wow am I confused, this is a person that barely looks or speaks to me somedays. Treated me like an enemy past 6 Months. I have read a lot to be cautious and I desperately want advice on how to move forward.

...how can this not be at least a minor good thing.

I am sure things are looking a bit confusing right now.

How can this not be a minor good thing? Let’s look at my situation instead of your’s; that way you can really sink your teeth into a detached view.

Let’s pretend that my XW, who has not seen me, or spoken to me, in over a year, and still lives with OM, showed up this afternoon at my doorstep, and we have sex. Does that look like some good movement towards healing or an R? I think you’d agree that DnJ probably missed a whole lot of important steps that her and I would need to take before being intimate again. I think you would see my XW as using me.

Of course your situation is not mine. I just used mine as an over the top example, something that for sure demonstrates that sex doesn’t necessarily equate to R.

In your situation. Is there an other person? Actual or even fictional? EA or PA? I think you believe there is no OP. In my opinion, if there is an OP, then for sure no sex.

But, how about when there is no OM? Like yours? W is out partying, gets home at 3am, and passes out in bed. In the morning wants to have sex. The past 6 months have been nothing.

So where is the dating? All the steps before having sex. You know walking, talking, watch TV, partying together, and so on. Her wanting you is the good thing. Her getting you, may or may not be.

Please don’t misunderstand. You are still married. It was just sex. It felt good, take it for what it was - sex and nothing more.

Remember roommates. She is confused and doesn’t see things the same as you. What if she is wanting roommates with benefits. Can you handle that? I think that would be a difficult path to go down - at the moment.

So moving forward:

I said if she wanted to do it again later that I'm more than willing.

Don’t give her a free pass. This is bordering on pleading and begging. Let her pursue.

She still is not invested in the relationship. She is doing things she wants for her own reasons, her own feelings. Keep your wits about you. Focus on you. Let her figure herself out.

Have no expectations about another session. She may be eager or have no interest. She is confused and her feeling change a lot.

If she does show interest, what does bpd want? Unaffectionate sex or to be desired? Are those steps/dating important to you? You can say no. I know, what?!? Turn down sex? What a crazy idea.

Basically she is going to do what she wants and needs to. The stuff you need to stay away from, for your sanity, health, healing, happiness, etc... you place a boundary on, and you keep it. Other than that - roommates for now.

You focus on you, what’s important to you, and live your life. Now, as long as things are not hurting you or preventing your healing and growth, you can follow her lead if you want.

For me, unaffectionate sex is not important enough to divert me from my path. That goes for sex with anyone, not just XW.

If you notice, my statement makes no mention of my situation. Find that place for you. What does bpd want and believe in? With no justification based on your situation. Find that, and follow it. That is my advice for moving forward. I believe it allows you to heal and gives you the best chance at reconciliation.

DnJ