What if she's just over at her friends having a serious discussion about everything going on between you and her? Maybe it's actually a good thing, maybe your W is talking things out? My W used to do this all the time even when things were good... "I'm leaving in 10 minutes" boom she comes home 2 hours later. I'm just giving you an alternative so you don't obsess over the worst-case scenario.
She said at 12:18 am she was leaving. I said ok well I’m turning in good night. She said well you will probably still be up when I get home I’m bout to leave. I said ok see you in a bit. That was over an hour ago. It’s 1:23 now
8 years is a long time, maybe they have a lot to catch up on.
Listen I know where you’re going in your head and I have no clue what is the truth. I’ve also been there worrying about worst cases and it [censored]. I’m offering alternatives just because that helped me climb off Mt. Emotion many times.
Whatever you do I suggest you fight the urge to text or call her. Think of pros and cons if you need to.
Another thing - both my W and I during out sitch ended up reaching out to distant contacts. People who are not so involved in our day to day. I called one friend I hadn’t spoken to in 3 years, he’s been one of my pillars during this time.
Sandi you have said you think my W is emotionally vulnerable. My neighbor thinks this as well. She is searching for an emotional connection. How does making myself less available help this situation. It just doesn’t make sense. I know it’s counter intuitive. But that kinda just seems illogical. I DO understand that we each need to have our own lives. That is healthy. But if she is vulnerable right now. Shouldn’t I be DOING something. ANYTHING to help this vulnerability. Leaving her to her own mess like I’ve been told seems like I’m telling her I’m not available you should go find someone else to make you feel better
It feels like I’m asking her to go have an A. I haven’t ignored your guys advice. I promise. But I need it to make sense or I will never be able to put my heart into it.
It is laid out in Divorce Remedy. We give snatches of DBing in our posts. It won't make sense if you have not read Divorce Remedy first. Author, MWD, says to be less available to the spouse who is thinking of leaving the M. The LBS tends to smother the WAS, so she's suggesting to step back and give her breathing space. If your spouse is easily irritated whenever you are in her presence, then make yourself more scarce. Not in the sense you are hiding or avoiding her, but you aren't staying glued to her and asking a bunch of questions or wanting to be too helpful with whatever she is doing at the moment. (These are merely examples.) If she wants to spend a few moments with you, then she will find you. Isn't that exactly what you reported that she has done recently?
Your own nervous, scared emotions are saying you need to DO SOMETHING.........ANYTHING to help this vulnerability that I mentioned in my post. I am actually trying to tell you, but your own emotional state is drowning me out. DBing is counter-intuitive, BTW.
Leaving her to her own mess, must feel terribly scary for you. I know you fear her turning to another man, but apart from that........is it b/c you feel the lack of control when you leave "her to own mess"? She's has always had the choice to go find someone else that makes her feel better. All the years you were farming, she could have turned to someone else, but she didn't (as far as you know). Maybe she still will turn to someone else. Maybe she won't. You can't fix her. You can't rescue her from her mess. All you can do is work on your side of the street, so to speak. In other words, focus on fixing yourself, instead of her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
