I've been really emotionally down this week, and just trying to push through. Lots of crying, which I haven't done regularly since winter.

The sale of the house has me and W communicating more than we have in the past 9 months via text. I stopped getting anxious when I see something from her, which I suppose is good. I know it's all logistics, and I don't panic wondering how to respond or over analyzing things. Just simple responses back and forth.

She has been communicative (much more so than the realtor who I'm still beyond frustrated with). I wonder if that is what has my dreams starting. I'm not one to remember their dreams, but I've had a few recently where W is in them and is either apologetic, or I feel my heart forgiving her, and opening up to the idea of Recon. WTF. That's not what is going on in real life. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

So then I find my waking hours thinking about her, and everything just makes me cry. I realized today I couldn't remember the last time she was laughing really hard with me. How long had she been depressed and I didn't fully see it? I didn't acknowledge it? Was it years?

I sense that a lot of processing and grieving is happening below the surface right now with the house sale and pending D. It's all in the works to approaching those final steps though I think I have a few months to go still before it's truly final. And I'm no longer afraid of my future, which is unknown. That's exciting and great. But I do mourn the loss of my person. I'm missing her a lot these days.

I'm also realizing just how incredibly lonely I am. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about these feelings with and some nights it's just too much. I spend 3 or 4 nights a week going to the lake and knitting which is really great. I'm out and can people watch, watch the sun set, and I love my knitting. Sometimes I have nice little conversations with strangers which boosts my mood. But I'm also drinking more than I should, and while it hasn't reached unhealthy or unsafe levels, it's definitely a crutch right now. Most nights I'm having a couple cocktails to just calm down and feel like I can breath.

I go back and forth between understanding why she had to go and being incredulous that she left.