PSO and NSO really explain why I ended up here in the first place. I knew my H was capable of cheating on people as he fathered his first child while he was engaged to someone else. At the time, I chalked it up to him being really young when all that happened but, in hindsight, it was a BIG indicator of his character. I also saw that he had a poor relationship with his dad but assigned most of the blame on his dad. I still feel like his dad has primary responsibility but I also see that my H could have changed the dynamic, at least his part in it, by approaching his dad like an adult and telling him how he felt. But he never did. For 14 years I watched them do their dance to both of their detriments. My H is deathly afraid of conflict and would rather not talk to someone for months than to tell them why he is upset or try to fix things. I mistakenly thought that was just a factor in his R with his dad but now I see that he approaches ALL of his relationships that way. His mom is the same way. She will never directly tell you when she is upset. Either she will find a way to just swallow it and move on as if nothing has happened OR she will address it in passive aggressive ways. i.e. If she is concerned the dog hasn't been fed, instead of asking directly if you fed the dog, she will look at the dog and ask, "Have they fed you yet?" so you will overhear. It is highly annoying. Nowhere has my H been role modeled how to approach things like an adult... "Hey... you really hurt me when you did that. Can we find a way to work it out?" That is completely foreign to him. He swallows things and keeps swallowing while he allows resentments to build. And when enough resentment has been built up, he uses it to justify lying, cheating and running away and makes it your fault. I am sad for him but happy I no longer have to live with it.
I also saw that my H had no problems with leaving longterm relationships and reinventing himself while leaving most of those relationships behind which explains why our sitch progressed as quickly as it did following BD. I'm sure if we did not have kids, I would NEVER hear from him. I loved him unconditionally for 14 years and would have moved mountains to try and work through things but he made sure I never had that option. For all intent and purposes, I am dead to him. That used to cause me such psychological pain but I now know it has nothing to do with me so it no longer bothers me. We share a history and children but that is about it and I am in a place where I accept it and can move forward holding my head up high. Anyway...my point is...there were definitely big red flags in my sitch and PSO definitely did not work in my favour. I'm sure most of us on here have had similar AHA moments looking back. The important thing is that we learn from it and try not to repeat mistakes in future relationships.
