Now what?

[BarbH]

Thanks to both of you. yes I think this slide actually started 3-4 years ago, looking back. I had so many issues going on in my family i didn't really notice other than i did know that he was becoming more and unsupportive of me at the time I really needed him. His dad died when he was 58 and H is convinced going to die as well. I've been through more than most folks can imagine in the last 5 years and now, when we should be retiring and relaxing we're doing this. I've been reading like crazy and I don't know if I have it in me. I think he has some fantasy about us living here in the place as roommates while he goes on and about doing his thing. I'm super scared about the future no kids one sister. His family is essentially my family and while I'm trying to gal and reconnect with old friends, well I'm scared of being alone and lonely. Even though logically i can recognize I've been essentially alone for the past 2 years. I don't want to ride this roller coaster.

I also feel like I don't have the time to wait. Maybe there is someone out there who can love me the way I deserve to be loved but unfortunately after all these years I still love him even though he's doing this.

I will carry on gal'ing, sorting out my affairs, being dim and detaching. I only did the we aren't friends thing once. I cant believe the pain this brings and part of me just wants to lash out and make him feel it, but I know he wont. I know he thinks we are done, and he has zero empathy. 36 years.

Thanks for listening. I'm just spewing angst everywhere I go.

He's not even experiencing life on his own staying between his sister's and here. I need to fix up the house to sell and I will have to euthanize my 2 old horses to move. So I'm not even emotionally ready to think about just pulling the pin on the whole mess. He has some weird timeline about me staying here for a year and he'll pay 1/2 the mortgage etc. Getting that in writing next week. Is there part of him that even thinks it might want to come back?