IMO the difference is that you are not in full in-house separation mode yet. She has thrown out the words and there has been no additional conversation and she has not done anything to move the situation forward.
Again what you do doesn't change. Your actions are still the same as what has been outlined previously by many posters.
I still see you so concerned about her every move and interaction. Working on yourself and becoming in-different will help you in the future so you can eliminate the need to be co-dependent.
I do question the extensive GAL. Only because it does seem like my sitch is actually different. Maybe it’s not. But the more I actually look at it it seems the W is just in crisis mode. She’s just unhappy.
She is in a vulnerable state, due to the stress that has taken a toll on the M. When I look back on the years I dealt with my own child's health issues, I thought I was being a very strong woman. And I was, except for the fact my H and I were getting farther apart in our intimate relationship. I felt as if I was bearing my child's disease alone. I felt there was never any relief b/c it consumed a lot of my thoughts, energy, and time.
In hindsight, I'm sure I did not give my H the attention he needed. The MR suffered, and I became emotionally vulnerable. I remember how I wanted to go away without my H and kids. I wanted to escape for a while. I was very depressed. I didn't wake up one morning, deciding I was going to have an EA.
I wouldn't say your W is just going through a phase. It's seems, to me, more like results from years of dealing with stress at home. I think she is emotionally exhausted, frustrated, and resentful about the situation with her child.....and maybe you. In her frustration, she may lash out, blame, threaten, give the silent treatment, or act cold. It doesn't mean she's having an affair, but I think she is in a vulnerable condition. Now, don't go bonkers over what I said, okay? Don't imagine this or that.......just deal with reality. You cannot fix her. You can only fix yourself, and become the best version possible. Hopefully, she will respond positively to the improvements she sees in you......but if she doesn't, you will still be a better version.
Take a day at a time. Make today the best possible. Treat your W with respect. Don't be cold. Stay balanced with your GAL time and don't get obsessive and forget your responsibilities at home. Make sure you do your part in seeing after your son's needs and helping with the chores. Reject your own thoughts that want to send you spiraling. You are not a victim, so don't behave as if you are.
When I say to stay balanced, I mean don't grab a thought and run with it to the opposite end of the spectrum.
Your sitch is not special, except that it is YOUR sitch. You have a little boy with autism. Over the years, there have been several people come to the board who had children with special needs. (((hugs)))
How are you doing on the 180 of not saying anything about your health in her hearing distance? My former SIL was a hypochondriac, and I can testify to how it gets so old hearing it. Even if you don't say it directly to her, just mentioning it within her hearing distance, has the same affect. I don't mean to diminish the seriousness of your health. Living with cancer or any type of disease, makes your hyper aware of every little change in your body and how you feel physically that day. Maybe you could search for cancer surviving groups that share how they cope. Nobody truly knows how you feel, if they haven't walked in your shoes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi. Looking back I can see how I let the farm block me from being the dad I needed to be. I let W handle a lot of S needs because I worked so much. She actually told me once she felt like a single parent. Farming has that affect in families. It’s a lifestyle not a job
I think I’m this state we drifted apart. I can see I’m hindsight where she started to disconnect. I though things were getting better and she was giving up. The burden of a husband who has cancer and is constantly insecure about his health. I would actually ask her what she thought the doctor was gonna say about my mri before I had it. Like she could tell if it was growing or not. What an idiot. Meanwhile S is too much for school to handle and they are calling daily. And she is alone out in the country and I’m workin dawn till dusk 7 days a week. Only take a day off when it rains.
I agree she is in a vulnerable state. She has finally let it out. All the years of frustration. I think that’s why she reacted so harshly to my sudden 180s. Like where was this years ago?!?!? she has noticed though and I think that’s why she has warmed up to me a lot.
I have not mentioned any illness or insecurity one time since Bd. Hopefully she has noriced that. I can see how I have backslid a little bit in my house duties I didn’t realize I had. I’m getting that back on track tonight ASAP
She is going out with a female friend tonight she had before we moved to farm. First time she has gone out post BD 2 months ago. A good opportunity for me to crank some tunes and get a lot of housework done.
What do you think?
I told her she needs to find something to destress. Not for me. Not for S. Just for her. Some GAL she can enjoy
Also on compliments. If she doesn’t respond. Should I stop saying them?
Now dont go turning yourself into the maid and when she gets home tonight expecting her to have sex with you because you cleaned the house. That is not very attractive. What would be more attractive is doing a little house work, like the dishes for example and when she comes home you are doing something for yourself.
