Lost

[Leo22]

Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?

It never crossed my mind before. I am definitely not okay with an open MR, male or female.

I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.

A red flag went up when 10+ years of marriage went down the drain. How I supposedly emotionally neglected her and how we always get into arguments. When I responded how come you never confronted me about you being neglected? Her answer, “I did and tried but all you did was call me names and yell.” She never confronted me about being emotionally neglected but I guess I am supposed to be able to read her mind since I been with her for a while. Another male/or female definitely popped in my mind since she carried her phone everywhere she goes now and very secretive about it. Not sure if you ran through my post where I walked downstairs and she was video chatting with ear buds on and immediately flipped down the phone when she saw me. I asked who you talking too? Her response, your Aunt but she hung up when she heard your voice. During that time, I didn’t believe it at all but I also didn’t want to say prove it and let me see that it was my Aunt. Honestly, I didn’t want to know – maybe I am still in denial.

She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.

I don’t know my distant aunt very well but she is married. Maybe they are swingers, I honestly couldn’t say. I just know like you mentioned whether it’s an R with my Aunt or not, she is letting it happen because she knows about our sitch, W told her. I think is covering for her but so many scenarios is playing with my head, I just have no way of proving it.

If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.

People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

This is draining me emotionally and physically – it’s only been since beginning of June. Not even that long now that I think about it but feels like forever. I hold my values very high, I will not date or see other females until this is final. When it is signed, black and white. An affair is most definitely a deal breaker for me, but I have no way of proving it. I don’t want to ask for her phone or anything. But her moving into an apartment in roughly over 2 weeks to getting her own phone line, it messes with what’s playing in my head. If she is just high on life and not involved in an affair of any sort I’ll do my best to try and get this to work. Even though I know, I have to work on myself and not able to change her. I know it’s up to her to change. If I know for sure about an affair, I will sign the dotted lines right now.

You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.

That is where I messed up. When the BD, I begged, cried, plea, asked for reassurance and everything else that I wasn’t supposed to do. I probably looked like a total fool to her. She cried, but I know those weren’t tears because of me. I was trying to quick fix everything because I couldn’t understand how my world flipped upside down in an instant, even though she claims it’s been bottled up for years. I realize that she is gone but it’s difficult to accept it at the moment because it’s so fresh. I am definitely getting better. I try to pep talk myself a lot…like “I deserve better or why should I work so hard to make this work with someone who doesn’t love me anymore or you can do much better.”

I read a few quote that I really like and helped me think positive, here are some that helps me get through my day at times.
“I want someone in my life who knows I’m not perfect, who knows I’ll make mistakes, who knows I’ll my best and still want me in their life no matter what.”
“I believe that every single person has to go through something that completely destroys them in order to figure out who they really are.”
“You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen.”

Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.

Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.

So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.

This is definitely what I needed to hear. I actually sometimes think I don’t know what I am scared of, maybe loneliness, maybe I won’t find another person that loves me, maybe just scared to venture out into this new world, so many thing comes to mind. I admit my emotions were taking me for a sprint the first 2-3 weeks, now I have gotten better at it but I find myself still looking for quick fixes on how she reacts to thing when I know I am just over analyzing. The hard part is to stop treated her as my devoted wife who I know is strung in her own fantasy world. I know I need to work on myself and my D, I get the wheel turning but it just stays in first gear and maybe shifts to second at times and stalls out. I need to learn how to get pass that, all the way to gear 6.
Thanks for your input Sandi, it means a lot.