Lost

[sandi2]

Originally Posted by Steve85
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?

I don't believe so. She did experiment with other females before we go married but nothing since. Its more of a distant aunt, I don't know if she is going over there to possibly see the OM - I just have no way of proving it. A part of me wants to know for sure but another don't want to know about it at all. I'm just so confused at the moment.

Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?

I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.

She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.

If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.

People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.

Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.

Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.

So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.