(((Wolfman)))... It really does boggle the mind, doesn’t it? I’m like you...commitment, loyalty, honesty, grit....these are the character traits that keep people going through the tough times and where real, true and lasting love comes from and they are ones that I have in spades. Sadly, I chose to marry someone who only pretended to have them and had I not been so blinded by those new love hormones, I would have seen it...there were a lot of signs. I now know that he was in love with the idea of love and doesn’t really know how to love someone enough to get through tough times. When he starts to struggle, he points fingers and runs. He has quickly moved on to a new person hoping he can reinvent himself. He cannot. He will figure out eventually that he cannot divorce himself. I don’t know if your W falls into the category of people my H does or if she is going through an MLC. If it is the latter, then there is still hope, IMO, but it will be a long road. I don’t know if you were duped or not. I know I was but there are other people on here who I don’t think were and I think their spouses will find their way back. Your W may be in that category.
I remember the early days of my sitch when I was having all of the feelings you describe. I was in disbelief, scared and really, really angry that my WAH was forcing me to become a “50% parent” and replacing me with OW for the other 50%. I, too, was not enjoying my freedom and missed my kids terribly. I missed my life...at least the one I thought I had. I now know that my life was a total and complete lie for at least the last five years. Hard to reconcile that someone can lie for that long to the people who care about him the most. I am not capable of that kind of deception...disillusioned or not.
So I was really, really sad and resentful for months. At some point though, I realized that if I was going to save myself and be a 100% mom for the 50% of time that I had my kids, I needed to find a way to accept what was happening and find happiness again. It took some time but not as much time as some on here. I think that’s because my H was “King Douche of Douchebag Land” (thanks AS for that title) and once I recognized that, I realized I hadn’t actually lost much and that it was mostly my fears that were holding me back. I then started to focus on what I had and not on what I didn’t have. I focused on the fact that I have a good job that enables me to stay in my home and do most of the things I could do when I was married and had the benefit of two salaries. I focused on the fact that I have supportive family members and friends who love me and think I deserve much, much better than my WAH. I have a MIL who loves her son but also supports me and has been a good “sparent”. And I have two amazing kids and a beautiful stepdaughter who love me unconditionally and who deserve a parent who greets them every morning with a smile and a hug and a love that knows no limits. I also have time when they aren’t with me to recharge and work on me. I didn’t have that before and I have now come to enjoy the time I am on my own knowing that my children are being loved by their dad who is now a real presence in their life and that the OW is kind to my kids and they like her. These are all blessings.
I know this is not what you planned or what you wanted but that no longer matters...it is what you have. Feel your feelings...grieve the life you had and the life you thought you would have...count your blessings...embrace the uncertainty as there are endless possibilities...be the best Wolfman you can be and above all, as DnJ reminded me many, many times...choose better, not bitter. Time really is a great healer and if you continue to GAL and do the 180s you need to do for you, you will begin to heal in spite of yourself. I know I did and a year ago, I would not have believed it. Do I still sometimes think about what could have been if only my H had made different choices? Yes I do but it no longer sends me spinning. I just refocus, again, on what I have and on my desire to be the best DV6 I can be for my kids and the people in my life who love and support me. You will get there too. I promise you will. Have faith. (((HUGS)))
