LH19, MLCxH, IW, D - I agree that I have little to no control of the situation.
In an ideal world, we would go to one counselor for co-parenting/separation coaching, and a separate counselor for MC. Unfortunately it is all merged together.
At some point, I’d like to transition from S coaching (which only needs to take a finite amount of time) to working on the MR. If it doesn’t, then I will walk away from MC. I would like that transition to happen soon, but I have an open mind and don’t have a specific session in mind (yet). I have stated this in MC twice now, in a non-threatening way. It’s clear to the counselor and my W that I am not willing to operate on an indefinite timeline.
I also need to differentiate “working on the MR” vs. “W wanting to work on the MR”. I think it’s impossible to determine her motivation level. Let’s say we go to MC next week and dig deep into relationship issues. That would be a starting point for working on the MR. But even if we do that, it does not make clear whether or not my W actually wants to work on the MR. She could be ticking a check-box, or feeling cautious, or being completely open but not wanting to say. I don’t know and I don’t care - provided I feel we are working through our issues, and that I have a voice (not just going over her issues with me). Look at SteveS’s situation - they are S’d, going to MC, digging into relationship issues, and it’s completely unclear what his W is thinking. Gauging motivation would be very tricky. I know what is the most likely case, but mind-reading gets us all into trouble.
As for telling the kids and family we tried, it doesn’t really move the needle for me. Family I don’t care. Kids I do care, but I think it’s much more important I focus on being a great father. I’m not trying to win a battle with my W for the heart of my kids. That attitude alone will guarantee failure. I know down the road my W could morph into a vindictive person who tries to pit our kids against me. I can't control that, and whether or not we continue with MC, I'm sure she would gather enough ammo to justify her actions.
Now… what is “working on the MR”? I think we are at an impasse until/unless my W is willing to hear my input on our issues. That is the first step. MC is the only forum where I think this can happen. Next week we are supposed to try out a listening activity where, if I am the speaker, it would be the ideal place to start. Why not tell her what I think? I have nothing to lose.
