Well yesterday was one heck of day-went to visit my sister in law to apologize for some of things that I hadn't done well for the past few years of my depression/recovery.. ended up there for 4 hours (this is where H is staying when he's working) I was good until we got to the subject of my Br Ca. I've been waiting for 5 years for validation from H that he stills loves me (even though I feel scarred and maimed) and that it doesn't matter that I lost my breasts (reconstructed, but not the same). From his sister-"he was devastated" more than once he was at their place crying and saying "I don't care if she loses her breasts, I just don't want her to die" I broke down I needed so much to hear this from him but he is so weirdly emotionally repressed even then, he didn't say it to me. This hurt so much to hear even 4 years later. And the tears just kept coming.

One of my issues I guess I need to work on is not just saying I'm fine, but actually asking for what I need.

His family thinks the EA has died off, he just goes to their place after work and watches TV. Has stopped going to the gym, stopped running (which is too bad as I think it was good for him), seems to not be going out for beers with the boys as much. I'm concerned that as we all feel this is about aging/death-his 60th is coming up in August like it or not. Is he starting to cycle towards depression? who knows.

He came home last week while I was in full anger mode at him (unexpected arrival), I'd just replayed in my head everything he's done and was royally ticked off. I was civil, but certainly not upbeat. He bailed out back to his sister's-went in and said sounding surprised "Barb cold-shouldered me!" His sister told him "what the h3ll do you think she would do?" She's quite awesome.

He's home again this Friday, potentially for 4 days. Plans are full day in town-appointments/lunch with friends, not coming home all day even if it means I take myself for a drive somewhere in between appointments. Saturday-I have to be home, getting organized for work again on Sunday (I've had 6 weeks off). Sunday-back to work. Monday-I get to sleep in the aft for night shifts. It's not really GAL, but at least it's getting back to my life!

Still need to gird my loins for detachment. It's something I consciously have to plan for when I know he's coming.

Thanks for the support.

Last edited by job; 07/25/19 07:34 PM. Reason: edited a word
Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY