Not struggling quite as much

[Jim1234]

So, there I was, living my new (I don't know about "awesome", but definitively "pretty good") life, and I get a text from STBX (no, it's still not final. Don't know why. The QDRO is just dragging on. We're just waiting on Schwab to confirm the draft QDRO is acceptable... and waiting..... and waiting.) saying "we need to talk." I'm thinking, "is she going to ask for more alimony? want me to pay a larger share of kid's college costs? is her mother dying?" and instead she hits me up with "We had this awesome future in front of us, and I want it back and I love you and I want to reconcile."

Awesome!!!!!! Right???

Except...... not......


I listened, I validated, used everything I've learned here over the years. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours before I finally said I'm emotionally drained, and have to go. The gist is that she's undergone ketamine therapy for her depression and it has been truly life changing, and caused her to rethink the last few years. (If you have a spouse that's severely depressed, look into it!) We talked extensively about some of the problems in our marriage, a lot about my failures as a husband, and some about her failures as a wife. She said the combination of ketamine therapy, and hearing from friends about a trip my girlfriend and I took to my parent's cabin a week ago opened her eyes, and she wanted the awesome life that we should be leading together back.

Regarding my failures, it became pretty clear that I have a very good understanding of them. Thanks AS et al for the 2X4s over the years. I asked if she could put them behind her and forgive me, and she said she does forgive me.

Regarding her failures, though, she doesn't really have a clue. The best she could give me was that "the divorce wasn't entirely your fault. I made a lot of mistakes." But when pressed, even after 8 years of marriage counselling, couldn't really give me specifics. More like "I reacted badly to things you did and didn't give you enough sex." For the record, my biggest issue was feeling like I was her last priority. I felt like as long as that paycheck kept showing up, it didn't really matter to her whether I had fallen off the planet. And yes, I told her that repeatedly in counselling.

She asked me for specifics, and I suggested she spend some time thinking about it instead. For me, having her or our therapist tell me my shortcomings wasn't nearly as impactful as figuring it out on my own (or with this forum's help!). I gave her two huge hints, though. 1. It wasn't until I started looking at things from her perspective that I started understanding my failures as a husband, and 2. I pointed out that she asked if we could meet somewhere she could smoke. I asked her to think about how important I was, from my perspective, relative to her cigarette. This is a big issue for me. For most smokers, smoking is just something else they do in their life. For her, her entire life revolved around her cigarettes.

At the end, I told her I didn't think a week of introspection was enough time for her to understand her failings relative to our marriage, and I was hesitant to reconcile, and find myself moving heaven and earth to make her happy, only to have her continue to leave my needs unfulfilled. I told her she should think some more about it, and we'd talk more later.

I stopped on the way home to reflect. My girlfriend knew I was meeting STBX, so I called her and VERY briefly told her about the conversation, and confirmed that I was still looking forward to getting together with her tomorrow. She was very understanding, and said she didn't want to stand in the way of my happiness. I assured her that she was an upgrade from STBX. In many, many ways, she is, but God help me, I'm still in love with STBX.

I guess the dream/fantasy of rebuilding, not just my marriage, but my family, is extremely powerful, and for a long sleepless night I struggled with that idea, not coming to any conclusions.

Anyway, thoughts, comments, 2X4s welcome.....